While God desires that we recognize our anger and bitterness toward others, harboring those feelings and refusing to work toward the restoration of broken relationships is contrary to His will. We need to prayerfully confront and confess inner feelings of anger, and then surrender them to the loving healing of our heavenly Father.
Something I wish I had kept in mind these past 6 tumultuous months. It's been a struggle for me to find peace with what happened over the summer, but I'm gaining perspective and releasing my anger. It serves me no purpose. Chris and I have actually been getting on these past few weeks. I still catch him out in lies and half-truths, but that's to be expected. He went to court twice in the last month - once for a speeding ticket, and the other for larceny. Of all things! I thought he learned his lesson when he had the incident with Best Buy while I was in hospital recovering from an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know the real truth behind this incident, but it does not involve me. I just let him know that I was not going to judge him. We all make bad decisions and stupid mistakes. I am the last person to judge him for that.
The point of this entry is to help me seek guidance and forgiveness towards Patricia. I understand the "Mother Bear" instinct more than the average person. Chris does, too. We have spent the last 7 years advocating for Ethan, making sure he got the early intervention he needed, occupational therapy, developmental therapy, we made sure his daycare providers understood his needs and educated them. We went to endless IEP meetings, setting goals for him, watching as he met and exceeded each one. We focused everything on him. We never went on vacation, or had weekends away. We never took time to nurture our marriage, and the results have been devastating for our little family. Believe me, I know that instinct to protect and defend very, very well.
Two days ago I went to pick up Ethan from my in-laws and literally walked into an ambush. I know Patricia has been dealing with a tremendous amount of stress these past few months, but the verbal dressing down she gave me was horrific. I understand the need she felt to stand up for her son, and I mostly stood there and let her get it all out. Listening as she repeated words back to me of conversations I had had with Chris, telling me off for calling him a "dumb fuck" in an email, hissing at me "Don't you dare deny it, I read that email." I don't deny that I did. I don't remember when I did, but doubtless it was during a time when I was still sorting through my emotions. She went in to tell me that Chris and I were separated when he started seeing Betsy, which is completely untrue. They started a relationship before he moved out. When he did move out, we agreed it was a trial. That we would go to marriage counselling and individual counselling and we would learn to communicate and reconnect. The whole time, Chris was lying to me, and seeing Betsy behind my back. The laws in this state are very clear. If sexual misconduct takes place when the married couple are living apart, but intend to reconcile, it is labelled adultery. But, as the saying goes: Marry Up, Cheat Down. At the time the affair(s) began, Chris and I were still living together, then he moved out, but we were both committed to working on our problems and reconciling. At least, that is what we agreed to. I had no idea there was anyone else in the picture until I got the cell phone bill showing over 1000 texts between the two of them, starting before he moved out and continuing through our trial separation.
So yes, it was adultery, and yes, it is illegal. She knew we were trying to fix our marriage. She sat at the table with us when I found out about Betsy and she saw for herself what that discovery did to me. I was completely shattered. Her words? "Marriages break up everyday, but I'm not going to take sides." She already knew about Betsy and actually condoned it. True, I asked for the divorce - had asked for one several times - but guess what? I went undiagnosed with bi-polar disorder for three years. I would think she of all people would know that you don't give up on a marriage when your spouse desperately needs help, no matter what they say or do. I was at the mercy of my illness - it was a living hell. He left while I was still being treated - adjusting to new medications, attending group and individual therapy, seeing a psychiatrist to adjust my meds. I guess 'in sickness and in health' doesn't apply to Chris. Patricia knew I had no idea about Betsy. I guess I don't understand how she can't see that her son has a serious problem with telling the truth. Lying, deceit and duplicitousness are learned behaviours.
Regardless, there were two things that really threw me into sn emotionsl tailspin over this incident. One; she did it in front of Ethan. Two; she got involved in the first place. This isn't her marriage. This isn't her separation or divorce. It's business between Chris and I. If she is there to support him, I'm glad, but she had no business getting involved.
It wasn't very Christian of her to attack me like that. And I don't know what to expect from her the next time I see her. I asked Chris if he would speak to her. He agrees with me, she shouldn't get herself involved, but whether or not he actually stood up to her, I'll never know, but I have complete faith that he did nothing about it. It's not very Christian of me to be writing about this, but I don't know who reads this thing, so I don't really care.
So that's that.
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