When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

August used to be one of my favorite months. The beginning of the end of summer. The excitement of starting a new school year. Tax-Free weekend. My final month of pregnancy and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my son.

This month feels tainted to me now. I think I'll look back on this month as quite possibly the most painful and heartbreaking month of my life. The promise of reconciliation destroyed. The discovery and witnessed affair. The broken promises. Lies, deceit, betrayal. My apparent sado-masochistic willingness to allow myself to hope and then watch helplessly as more of my life crumbles around me. I thought I was prepared, but oh...I am so not. This month has been a tragic lesson in what happens when you trust someone and they abuse that privilege, smash you over the head with it and laugh as you bleed.

And then I look at Ethan. My child with Autism and I think how amazing he is. It's true he's not good at making eye contact or holding a conversation. He also doesn't lie, cheat at games, pass judgement on people or tattle on his classmates. I wish I could be more like him.

I wish a lot of people could be more like him.

Here's a New One

Ethan is picked up and dropped off at my house each day. This morning as I put Ethan on the transport vehicle, the driver asked if the woman she saw with Chris waiting for Ethsn was Ethan's Aunt because she looked like me.

"No...that would be his new girlfriend. Did he mention we're not even separated yet?"

In all fairness, she did tell me yesterday that had happened. I was just shocked to hear the bud driver mention it.

How fucking bizarre (sorry Mom) is it that the mistress is being more honest with me than my husband? I'm still pissed as he'll there is a mistress, but still.

And the Hits Keep Coming

This weekend was Chris' weekend with Ethan. Ethan is dropped off from school and Chris usually calls me around 5 to let me know how Ethan's day went. At 6pm, I still didnt heat from him, so I called and the phone rang 4 tomes, then went to Voicemail. I left a message. At 7pm, I still haven't heard anything. I started calling every half hour, then every 20 minutes. Finally at 10pm, I gave up and decided to go to his house (he's staying with his parents). I drove up and there's a strange car in the driveway (exact same model as mine). I used my key and went inside. The bedroom door was open and there was Chris, in bed with his girlfriend. In his PARENTS bed. And Ethan was in the room across the hall, where Chris was supposed to be. I am so close to calling his parents and telling them, but I don't want to ruin their time with the baby.

See, his parents are in California with their daughter because she just adopted a baby girl. Instead of being responsible, Chris decided to play house. I don't particularly care about that. He can do whatever or in this case, whomever he pleases (sorry Mom). What I do care is that he involved Ethan, and as it turns out, this isn't the first time. Yes, I am absolutely LIVID about this. But, I can't control his stupid choices. I asked them both, very nicely, if they want to have a relationship, that's fine. If she would like to get to know Ethan. I'm okY with that. But no more overnights while Ethan is there. No more lying to me about where you're going with Ethan and who will be there. No more of her driving With Ethan in the car.

So...that was my weekend. How was yours?

Acceptance is Not Forever

It has been my experience that God seems reluctant to intervene in my circumstances until I learn to accept what He has already given.

Acceptance is not forever, it is for the present moment, but it must be sincere and at gut level.

Welcome to the Video Blog (maybe)

I recently upgraded to an iPhone 4 and it has sone pretty nifty video editing capabilities, as well as a hi-def video recorder. I've been playing around with the idea of keeping a web log on YouTube. Dunno if I'll actually have the guts to do it, but it's something I'm considering.

I realised today that in addition to my bipolar, I'm also codependent. If you think aboutbit, it makes sense. Chris lies and denies it, I have my suspiciouns that he is lying and become hostile - because that is the only way I know to protect myself from the crushing hurt that follows. Then I become manipulative and ask indirect questions trying to catch him outvin a lie, and when I do, I'm furious, which makes him lie even more...which makes me hostile..,

It's such a self-destructive cycle. I can't seem to stop following up and checking up on him because I don't believe a word he says. Ever. How am I supposed to heal from this if I can't let it go? What need is this behavior of mine fulfilling? I hate it.