Okay, I am done wearing my dang work appropriate shoes. I haven't worn heels in so long, they started to make the balls of my feet burn. Stupid shoes and their soles of evil.
29 June 2011
Return of the Jedi
Okay, I'm not a Jedi, but that would look pretty impressive on a CV. Skills: Light Saber Dueling, convincing people these are not the droids they are looking for, telepathy, raising a child who will grow up to become Darth Vader.
27 June 2011
Life is Pain
When he was asked the meaning of life the Buddha answered by saying "Life is pain." Why is this so? What is the source of our pain and suffering?
16 June 2011
Make it so
In honor of Captain Picard Day, I am ending each sentence with the words "Make it so".
Divorce? Make it so!
Divorce? Make it so!
15 June 2011
When it's Time to Change
I have no idea why I chose a Brady Bunch song as the title to this entry. There have been a few developments since I last wrote.
1. I am off that horrid Trazodone and feel physically 100% better
2. My head-meds have been adjusted to address the rapid cycling I have been experiencing. Bouncing from hypo-manic to manically depressed within the space of a few days - even a few hours in some cases. It's very disorienting.
3. Chris and I are getting divorced.
Chris is unhappy about it, but will do it "if that's what you want". And it is. I have been taking out my anger and rage on him so much, and so unfairly. He deserves better. He needs a person that needs him. I am just not that person, and I regret that. What's funny is, as soon as I made that decision, my spirits immediately lifted - like this big crushing weight of tension and stress had been lifted. The prospect of being free from that is exhilharating.
As soon as he's settled with a new residence and a job, we'll be able to file for separation, and next year, divorce. We agreed that this is a "no fault" situation, and we truly wish the best for each other. This past year...we've been nothing but toxic, and I really hate that. We agreed that Ethan will stay with me, and Chris will pick him up after school and keep him until I'm off work. We'll work out overnights and weekend as we go along, but we need to keep Ethan's structure and routine our primary consideration, and we both agree on that.
I really feel that this is the best decision. We're both miserable, although Chris won't admit that. I know I am miserable, and I'm miserable and completely horrid to him. (I won't use the B word, in case my parents are reading this). He deserves better, and I know he'll find it.
1. I am off that horrid Trazodone and feel physically 100% better
2. My head-meds have been adjusted to address the rapid cycling I have been experiencing. Bouncing from hypo-manic to manically depressed within the space of a few days - even a few hours in some cases. It's very disorienting.
3. Chris and I are getting divorced.
Chris is unhappy about it, but will do it "if that's what you want". And it is. I have been taking out my anger and rage on him so much, and so unfairly. He deserves better. He needs a person that needs him. I am just not that person, and I regret that. What's funny is, as soon as I made that decision, my spirits immediately lifted - like this big crushing weight of tension and stress had been lifted. The prospect of being free from that is exhilharating.
As soon as he's settled with a new residence and a job, we'll be able to file for separation, and next year, divorce. We agreed that this is a "no fault" situation, and we truly wish the best for each other. This past year...we've been nothing but toxic, and I really hate that. We agreed that Ethan will stay with me, and Chris will pick him up after school and keep him until I'm off work. We'll work out overnights and weekend as we go along, but we need to keep Ethan's structure and routine our primary consideration, and we both agree on that.
I really feel that this is the best decision. We're both miserable, although Chris won't admit that. I know I am miserable, and I'm miserable and completely horrid to him. (I won't use the B word, in case my parents are reading this). He deserves better, and I know he'll find it.
11 June 2011
If We Weren't all Crazy, We'd all go Insane
I was started on a new script, and now I'm experiencing hallucinations.
I know what I see, hear, and smell is not real, so I'm definitely not schizophrenic. I see shadows in the corners of my eyes,but to be fair my vision is wobbly and blurred - I can't see well enough to drive. I walked into the bathroom and smelled a fire. The worst part is hearing things - music, children singing, tapping in the walls, scratching noises between the walls. Things scraping and dragging downstairs when I'm upstairs. People yelling across the street to each other.
Last night we had a massive lighting and wind - sort of a tornado with lightning bolts. I looked outside and saw snow falling. I texted Chris about this, knowing it was impossible. I went outside to take a picture and saw nothing.
Actually, no, that was not the worst. The worst part is, although this is supposed to be an anti-depression medication that is usually prescribed as a sleep-aid), I have not had a full night's rest since I started taking the medicine. I feel drugged, not sleepy, my speech is messed up due to aphasia. I have to write things down, because I'll forget conversations, appointments, things I need to do. My ankles, knees, back, sternum and shoulders, and screaming leg and arm muscles. Meeting with my psychiatrist on Monday and I plan to BEG her to put me back on my klonopin to ensure I sleep through the night. Klonopin is also a quick acting anti-anxiety medication. Based on the side-effects THE TRAZODONE IS NOT WORKING.
he Trazodone
I know what I see, hear, and smell is not real, so I'm definitely not schizophrenic. I see shadows in the corners of my eyes,but to be fair my vision is wobbly and blurred - I can't see well enough to drive. I walked into the bathroom and smelled a fire. The worst part is hearing things - music, children singing, tapping in the walls, scratching noises between the walls. Things scraping and dragging downstairs when I'm upstairs. People yelling across the street to each other.
Last night we had a massive lighting and wind - sort of a tornado with lightning bolts. I looked outside and saw snow falling. I texted Chris about this, knowing it was impossible. I went outside to take a picture and saw nothing.
Actually, no, that was not the worst. The worst part is, although this is supposed to be an anti-depression medication that is usually prescribed as a sleep-aid), I have not had a full night's rest since I started taking the medicine. I feel drugged, not sleepy, my speech is messed up due to aphasia. I have to write things down, because I'll forget conversations, appointments, things I need to do. My ankles, knees, back, sternum and shoulders, and screaming leg and arm muscles. Meeting with my psychiatrist on Monday and I plan to BEG her to put me back on my klonopin to ensure I sleep through the night. Klonopin is also a quick acting anti-anxiety medication. Based on the side-effects THE TRAZODONE IS NOT WORKING.
he Trazodone
08 June 2011
Counting Down
12 days until I return to work. Yikes. I have so much anxiety over this, but I'll make it through. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and I think next Wednesday too. I'll see my psychiatrist 2 more times before I return to work. She lowered my klonopin dose from 3mg to 1mg - which I'm pretty upset about. I also need to talk to her about returning my schedule to WFH 2 days/week as a necessary work accommodation. Since I'll still be in therapy for a while, I'll be able to schedule it on my WFH day/s. I'll also need to see my psychiatrist once a month, and my regular doctor as well.
Lots to prepare for. But here's the real news: I am going out with a friend tomorrow for ice cream. lol. I haven't left the house in 5 days. I'll bring my klonopin with me if I feel anxious about going out.
Lots to prepare for. But here's the real news: I am going out with a friend tomorrow for ice cream. lol. I haven't left the house in 5 days. I'll bring my klonopin with me if I feel anxious about going out.
06 June 2011
Death in the Family
Received an email from my Dad that his brother (my Uncle) passed away on Saturday. That makes me feel sad, and rather nostalgic about my childhood. During the summer we would get the unexpected news that we'd been invited to dinner at Uncle Richard and Aunt Irene's house. That was our kid summer-break Christmas because they had an in-ground swimming pool and two cousins kind of near my age that I could play with. Lisa was a little older, and did sophisticated things like compete in figure skating and horse shows. She'd show me some of the ribbons she had won and I was so impressed and proud to be her cousin. Ricky was more the remote control car and hotwheels type, so naturally I gravitated towards he andy brother, who both summarily shut me out due to my gender. I remember Ricky showing me his box of magic tricks once. That was always cool.
I think I was about 8 or 9 when the mysterious "Great Divide" of our extended family occurred. To this day, over 30 years later, I still have no idea what happened. Our Gran died, and all of a sudden our whole outer family disappeared except for Aunt Brenda. It's like the big family mystery, which used to intrigue me, but now I'm just frustrated because I have no idea what my family medical history looks like.
Thank you for making my childhood summers special, Uncle Richard. Godspeed.
I think I was about 8 or 9 when the mysterious "Great Divide" of our extended family occurred. To this day, over 30 years later, I still have no idea what happened. Our Gran died, and all of a sudden our whole outer family disappeared except for Aunt Brenda. It's like the big family mystery, which used to intrigue me, but now I'm just frustrated because I have no idea what my family medical history looks like.
Thank you for making my childhood summers special, Uncle Richard. Godspeed.
04 June 2011
Good and Bad
Slid onto a bad patch and had a hard day. Today was the day I met my new psychiatrist and I was anxious and prickly. Took a couple of klonopin before we left, but even that didn't help.
I tried to like her, really, but the first thing she did wad up my Lamictal dose to 200mg, and that kind of scares me. From everything I've read, it needs to be increased slowly over a period of several weeks. I've only just worked up to 125mg, and now she wants me at 200mg. And she's dropping my klonopin to just 1 a day (down from 4), and giving me a different antidepressant to take at night so I can actually fall asleep and stay asleep. I went to bed around 10, and here it is 1:30 and I'm wide awake.
And her solution to my job stress? "Have you thought about getting a new job?" seriously, she said that. She said the same thing to my friend. It reminds me of that MadTV skit with Bob Newhart playing the therapist. He'd listen and say "STOP IT!" (link is above, sounds just like the advice I got for free from my Dad)
But, with the bad comes the good. On my way out, I spotted one of my favourite people from group. Apparently he was assigned to Doctor Bitch as well.
I tried to like her, really, but the first thing she did wad up my Lamictal dose to 200mg, and that kind of scares me. From everything I've read, it needs to be increased slowly over a period of several weeks. I've only just worked up to 125mg, and now she wants me at 200mg. And she's dropping my klonopin to just 1 a day (down from 4), and giving me a different antidepressant to take at night so I can actually fall asleep and stay asleep. I went to bed around 10, and here it is 1:30 and I'm wide awake.
And her solution to my job stress? "Have you thought about getting a new job?" seriously, she said that. She said the same thing to my friend. It reminds me of that MadTV skit with Bob Newhart playing the therapist. He'd listen and say "STOP IT!" (link is above, sounds just like the advice I got for free from my Dad)
But, with the bad comes the good. On my way out, I spotted one of my favourite people from group. Apparently he was assigned to Doctor Bitch as well.
02 June 2011
It's a Process
_____________ is a process, not an event. Fill in your own feeling and think about it.
01 June 2011
Dear Crystal
I was reacting to how I felt, rather than the situation itself. I am very sorry for the hurtful things I said, and I hope you can understand and forgive my outburst. Of course having a new baby in the family is exciting and chaotic. Please don't let my words detract from that.
As for my family, of whom each and every one of you with the exception of my Brother took it upon yourselves to berate me, shame me, tell me how awful I was and to complain about my language. Well guess what? That's what being Bi-Polar IS. Don't you dare sit there in judgement of me, claiming you read my blog and not saying a word to me about it, not one single comment about my day-to-day struggles or triumphs. Not a word of encouragement or "hang in there", but the second I express anger or conflict over something involving family, all of you are right there to put me back in my place, just like you've always done. Telling me how wrong I am, how I'm overreacting and I need to just get over it. Suppressing the unpleasant things and pretending they didn't happen. Just like always.
If this is how you plan to help me - silent approval until I get out of line - then do me a favor and just stop reading this thing.
As for my family, of whom each and every one of you with the exception of my Brother took it upon yourselves to berate me, shame me, tell me how awful I was and to complain about my language. Well guess what? That's what being Bi-Polar IS. Don't you dare sit there in judgement of me, claiming you read my blog and not saying a word to me about it, not one single comment about my day-to-day struggles or triumphs. Not a word of encouragement or "hang in there", but the second I express anger or conflict over something involving family, all of you are right there to put me back in my place, just like you've always done. Telling me how wrong I am, how I'm overreacting and I need to just get over it. Suppressing the unpleasant things and pretending they didn't happen. Just like always.
If this is how you plan to help me - silent approval until I get out of line - then do me a favor and just stop reading this thing.
Feeling...WTF?
I know I'm bipolar, and it has a certain stigma. Oh well, that's the way people want to be. Fuck 'em. Found out my niece had a baby today. Don't know the gender (guess my brother's wife assumed I'd know) but that's not what I'm feeling upset about. She emailed my two sisters. Not me, or my parents. Seriously - what the fuck is that about? That makes me feel really left out of important events in my family. My parents are probably more of the "at least we know" camp, but I am honestly pissed. Why was I left out, and why was it left to my sister to share the news?
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