I've been doing well these past few months. Lots of therapy and soul searching. Lots of realisations, acceptance and finally moving on. FINALLY moving on. Looking back, don't know what held me in place for so long. It was that one tenuous string that I was afraid to snip, but I took care of that and now feel free to explore a new life and begin again.
It's weird being forced to be in the family, but not part of the family. My presence is tolerated and accepted, but never welcomed. For example, this past Christmas. The wreath I made for my in-laws wasn't placed on its usual spot on the front door. Inside the house, my stocking was conspicuously absent. It's like I was cut out completely, and I wasn't expecting that. Another example: I had wanted to see Memaw and Granddaddy one last time (they're likely to pass soon), and wanted to go to Virginia over Thanksgiving with Chris. I allowed him to talk me out of it, he instead offered to stay in Raleigh and have Thanksgiving at home with Ethan and I, since it would be our last one together. His reason for not wanting to take Ethan to Virginia was that he was afraid Ethan would "act out" and be difficult to control. Not exactly a solid explanation, as Ethan is perfectly content to play with the ever-present Lincoln Logs or an iPhone for hours on end. So that was the plan until about 3 days before the holiday, when Chris suddenly decided he needed to go to Virginia afterall, and since it was only going to be a day trip, Ethan and I were not included. My intuition kicked up at this - there was something going on I didn't know about.
Flash forward to Saturday, I had a nice chat with Betsy as I went to pick up Ethan, and we were talking about families in general, and I asked if she had had the pleasure of meeting Aunt Susan. Yes...over Thanksgiving.
Mind you, it doesn't bother me at all that she went. I think it's a good idea she get a snapshot of what her future holds if she stays with Chris as quickly as possible. What made me upset was being robbed of the chance to see Granddaddy and Memaw again. Not just me, but Ethan as well. As lies go, that was a big one. I love his grandparents too, and his decision prevented us from ever seeing them before they pass on. I'm the evil ex-wife now.
It's things like that which put cracks in our marriage. Chris is a good person, he just doesn't see how his actions affect other people, or consider the consequences of decisions he makes. Nor does he think his little white lies will come to any harm.
Last month, Patricia really let me have it - all of her anger, frustration, and hatred towards me spewed out in one horrific verbal barrage of accusation, judgement and disgust towards me. She even swore in front of Ethan. I tried to defend myself, but it didn't matter. She needed to get it out, so I let her. I burst into tears on the way home. The next day I spoke with Chris and told him what had happened and asked him to speak with his mother about boundaries. This isn't her marriage, it's ours. This isn't her divorce, it's ours. She needs to stay out of it and let us handle it. He said he spoke with her, but I know that conversation never took place. Conversations like that never took place where his Mother was concerned. Another crack in the marriage.
A few days ago, he asked me to stop by his restaurant to pick up his phone to let Ethan have it until he came home. Of course I looked at the messages, I was curious.(I know, privacy and all, but to be honest...the messages were so sweet. Remonded me of when Chrid and I first met. I hope their happiness lasts longer than ours did). There were so many messages back and forth between he and Betsy, and so many of them held little white lies - Ethan's school bus breaking down and him having to go to Wake Forest to pick him up for example. In his message to Betsy, he told her he picked Ethan up, which isn't the truth. Chris didn't make that trip - I did, and Ethan doesn't go to school in Wake Forest. He told her I was an hour late getting home and couldn't pick her up. Ethan and I got home at 5:30 that day. Chris ended up staying for a while and we chatted.
And then there are the Wednesday nights that he invites Betsy over, presumably after Ethan goes to sleep. I have a problem accepting that behaviour. One night each week Chris has Ethan, and he ends up splitting his time between his son and his girlfriend. It just doesn't sit right with me. I could very easily do the same thing, but I specifically choose not to, because I am first and foremost a mother. I would never invite someone into my home after my son falls asleep. If he wants to spend time with Betsy and Ethan, he should make time to do things with them BOTH on Wednesday nights. He has four other nights during the week that he can make plans to spend with Betsy on his own. Why choose the only night he has his son overnight?
Lately, the weekends seem to go the same way. Instead of spending time with Ethan, he's at his pirate practice, telling me "there will be other people there" and they can help to watch Ethan. But it's not their responsibility to watch him. It's Chris' responsibility. Not to "watch" him, but to actually spend time with him. It's not enough to just have Ethan there. First off, it's dangerous. Ethan sees the swords flashing, and he wants to play, too. Secondly, it's not fair to either Ethan or Chris if Chris is dividing his attention between the two.
It worked out this week - Betsy was available and she took care of Ethan while practice went on, and I'm grateful for that. Glad for it. She seemed very happy and willing to care for Ethan while Chris practiced, but I'm sure in the future she's going to have other things to do and Chris won't be able to rely on her to take care of Ethan during practice.
This another behaviour that started to crack the marriage apart. He puts his work and hobbies ahead of his family. He has a great work instinct, I know, but he doesn't know how to balance his professional life with his personal life, and I fear that it's going to affect his relationship with Ethan. Or rather, Ethan's relationship with him.
I know the pirate festivals (sometimes) pay money, and they are a great deal of fun, and I need the money he earns for child support and alimony, but looking over the upcoming summer season...he's going to be out of town for at least 3 weekends each month beginning in April and ending in November. In 2011, Chris was gone every weekend from mid-August through the second week of November. Ethan only spent time with Chris after school for about an hour or so until I went to pick him up. There were so many nights Ethan asked where Daddy was, and all I could say was "Daddy is working" or "Daddy is at his home". Ethan's a smart kid, and in his mind there are three worlds "Mommy and Ethan's Home", "School" and "Playtime at Grandma's House with Daddy".
There are so many things about this that make me sad. Chris doesn't spend enough time with Ethan when he has him. Chris is starting to feed Betsy the little white lies he fed to me. I hope she can either fix him, or figure him out before it's too late. He deserves happiness, but others deserve the truth.
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