God calls us first to confront our own feelings openly and honestly....

While God desires that we recognize our anger and bitterness toward others, harboring those feelings and refusing to work toward the restoration of broken relationships is contrary to His will. We need to prayerfully confront and confess inner feelings of anger, and then surrender them to the loving healing of our heavenly Father.

Something I wish I had kept in mind these past 6 tumultuous months. It's been a struggle for me to find peace with what happened over the summer, but I'm gaining perspective and releasing my anger. It serves me no purpose. Chris and I have actually been getting on these past few weeks. I still catch him out in lies and half-truths, but that's to be expected. He went to court twice in the last month - once for a speeding ticket, and the other for larceny. Of all things! I thought he learned his lesson when he had the incident with Best Buy while I was in hospital recovering from an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know the real truth behind this incident, but it does not involve me. I just let him know that I was not going to judge him. We all make bad decisions and stupid mistakes. I am the last person to judge him for that.

The point of this entry is to help me seek guidance and forgiveness towards Patricia. I understand the "Mother Bear" instinct more than the average person. Chris does, too. We have spent the last 7 years advocating for Ethan, making sure he got the early intervention he needed, occupational therapy, developmental therapy, we made sure his daycare providers understood his needs and educated them. We went to endless IEP meetings, setting goals for him, watching as he met and exceeded each one. We focused everything on him. We never went on vacation, or had weekends away. We never took time to nurture our marriage, and the results have been devastating for our little family. Believe me, I know that instinct to protect and defend very, very well.

Two days ago I went to pick up Ethan from my in-laws and literally walked into an ambush. I know Patricia has been dealing with a tremendous amount of stress these past few months, but the verbal dressing down she gave me was horrific. I understand the need she felt to stand up for her son, and I mostly stood there and let her get it all out. Listening as she repeated words back to me of conversations I had had with Chris, telling me off for calling him a "dumb fuck" in an email, hissing at me "Don't you dare deny it, I read that email." I don't deny that I did. I don't remember when I did, but doubtless it was during a time when I was still sorting through my emotions. She went in to tell me that Chris and I were separated when he started seeing Betsy, which is completely untrue. They started a relationship before he moved out. When he did move out, we agreed it was a trial. That we would go to marriage counselling and individual counselling and we would learn to communicate and reconnect. The whole time, Chris was lying to me, and seeing Betsy behind my back. The laws in this state are very clear. If sexual misconduct takes place when the married couple are living apart, but intend to reconcile, it is labelled adultery. But, as the saying goes: Marry Up, Cheat Down. At the time the affair(s) began, Chris and I were still living together, then he moved out, but we were both committed to working on our problems and reconciling. At least, that is what we agreed to. I had no idea there was anyone else in the picture until I got the cell phone bill showing over 1000 texts between the two of them, starting before he moved out and continuing through our trial separation.

So yes, it was adultery, and yes, it is illegal. She knew we were trying to fix our marriage. She sat at the table with us when I found out about Betsy and she saw for herself what that discovery did to me. I was completely shattered. Her words? "Marriages break up everyday, but I'm not going to take sides." She already knew about Betsy and actually condoned it. True, I asked for the divorce - had asked for one several times - but guess what? I went undiagnosed with bi-polar disorder for three years. I would think she of all people would know that you don't give up on a marriage when your spouse desperately needs help, no matter what they say or do. I was at the mercy of my illness - it was a living hell. He left while I was still being treated - adjusting to new medications, attending group and individual therapy, seeing a psychiatrist to adjust my meds. I guess 'in sickness and in health' doesn't apply to Chris. Patricia knew I had no idea about Betsy. I guess I don't understand how she can't see that her son has a serious problem with telling the truth. Lying, deceit and duplicitousness are learned behaviours.

Regardless, there were two things that really threw me into sn emotionsl tailspin over this incident. One; she did it in front of Ethan. Two; she got involved in the first place. This isn't her marriage. This isn't her separation or divorce. It's business between Chris and I. If she is there to support him, I'm glad, but she had no business getting involved.

It wasn't very Christian of her to attack me like that. And I don't know what to expect from her the next time I see her. I asked Chris if he would speak to her. He agrees with me, she shouldn't get herself involved, but whether or not he actually stood up to her, I'll never know, but I have complete faith that he did nothing about it. It's not very Christian of me to be writing about this, but I don't know who reads this thing, so I don't really care.

So that's that.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I absolutely do not understand this at all. Chris asked if I knew anyone who had a tent he could borrow for the Ren Faire. I delivered. So off he goes, telling me he's going by himself and then calls me later saying the tent is set up and he's turning in. Except it was all a big lie. He went down with Betsy and they're staying in a hotel. A few public FaceBook posts combined with some texts and phone calls to me and he hung himself with his own rope.

I could care less what he does as long as Ethan isn't involved. But why lie? Why does he still do the grocery shopping for the house a few times each month? Why does he take out the trash and move it to the curb on Trash day? Why does he help with laundry and dishes while he's waiting for Ethan to get off the bus? Why does his FaceBook profile still say we're married? Why don't we have a separation agreement? Why won't he sign a Voluntary Support Agreement so I can file it with the court to ensure Ethan gets child support? Why does he still act like a husband?

My instinct tells me he's afraid to make anything permanent. He has refused to sign the VSA, and that scares me. I have nothing but his word to pay me $250 each week, which hasn't happened in over a month. We've agreed to $450 twice each month, so why won't he sign it and let me file it with the court? I've asked for a Quit Claim Deed, which he won't consider either. Why doesn't he want anything on record in the court system? If he's afraid of making this permanent, then why is he keeping Betsy on the side? He can't have it both ways.

The truth is, I don't want him in my life. At all. We've already agreed that I would have primary custody and he would have visitation, which only makes sense. Ethan has his own room here, he goes to school in this district, his track-out program is on my way to work. I have a steady job, benefits and a set schedule. Sure, my life had changed, but I'm a better person for it. Ethan and I have a routine at home that works for us. My house is clean. I do laundry on the weekends and shop for groceries on Tuesday nights. I make Ethan's lunch for school every night. He plays the Wii for 30 minutes, goes upstairs to use the potty and brush teeth, then it's tine for pajammy's. He plays in his room for about an hour which gives me enough time to get some laundry done, and then it's snuggle time until about 9:00, and he's asleep by 9:30. It's the routine and structure he is used to and needs at home. I'm not sure if he's getting that with Chris. Once a week and every-other weekend (which has not happened since September). I'm glad he's working, but I'm not so pleased that he pawns Ethan off to his parents if he is supposed to watch Ethan but runs off to work instead. After school for 30 minutes or so, I understand and completely support and am very grateful his Mom or Dad are able to watch Ethan until I pick him up after work. But I have a real problem if it's going to be several hours, or if his parents are responsible for putting Ethan to bed. They are going through a tremendous amount of stress dealing with Grandaddy and Memaw's health. I respect them for offering to watch Ethan, but I can't respect Chris for always taking them up on their offers when he KNOWS what they are going through. Chris needs to man-up and do things for himself. Get a job that pays well and consistently so he can afford the $1000 of child support and alimony Ethan and I are due each month. He has a brain in his head, but The unfamiliar holds him back. He's unwilling to try new things, even if it's to provide for his family. It's ironic that after being with him and married for 8 years, he is exactly in the same position as when I found him. Broke, jobless and moving in with his parents. Nothing but a charming smile, outrageous (if completely untrue) stories, and lots of pretty words. He lied to me the day I met him - pretending to be British for God's sake. If he had confessed to doing it to pick me up, it would have been a sweet story. But he kept up the charade for months. I told my Mom about this handsome, charming Brit, and he let me. Even spoke to her on the phone with his "accent". It wasn't until a fee months later when I was having lunch with his parents that I learned about the deception. He kept it up for MONTHS. And I fell for it. Just like everyone falls for his false promises and sweet words.

He ran from his first marriage, forcing his wife to file abandonment charges against him. He ran from this marriage right when I needed him most, and had two affairs before taking off. Both affairs - in less than a week in each case - did he claim to love the girl dnd want to be with them forever. Alicia was lucky, she got out. (well, Chris and I decided to reconcile and he broke things off). Two days later, along comes Betsy, and within a week he's telling her that he loves her. It seems to be a pattern. FInd a girl, feed her all the words she wants to hear, then sponge off her until it's time to leave. The going gets rough, and Chris gets going. The only difference this time is he's forced to stick around for the dissolution of this marriage because we have a child together. Honestly, if Ethan didn't love his Dad so much, I'd due for full custody and leave him with visitation at my discretion. I don't want Ethan to learn how to lie. I want him to learn to take responsibility for his actions and be confident enough to know that he doesn't have to make up stories to get people to like him.

Excuse Me, but I am looking for a man with 6 fingers.

It's the 25th anniversary of "The Princess Bride", a movie that taught us that all of our problems could be solved with a wheelbarrow and a Holocaust Cloak.

Let's hope Hollywood doesn't crap on this movie, too.

You hear me Hollywood? There was no need to remake Footloose. Quit messing with my childhood memories.

Between Forgiveness and Hate there is Therapy. Lots of Therapy.

It took me about a month of therapy to realize why I hate Betsy so much and why I don’t want her anywhere near Ethan.

I can forgive Chris for his mistakes. I really can. We have an eight year history, and I know how rocky it’s been these past few years.  Mental illness aside, I understand why he reached out to others when he needed that emotional connection with someone, and I can forgive him for that.  I was literally incapable of bonding with him.  I can forgive him for reaching out to other women.  They gave him the friendship and support he needed and all had the graciousness to back down when they realized there was a child involved. 

All except Betsy. 

Instead of doing the right thing, she took advantage of his emotional weakness and selfishly inserted herself into his life.  I can forgive the break-up of the marriage.  What I can't, and probably never will be able to forgive, is how she forever altered Ethan’s world without a second thought. 

I will never understand how a human being could hurt an innocent child like that, and then claim to care for him. It feels like a form of child abuse.  If she cared for him, she would have walked away and let our marriage sink or swim on its own.  It would have sank, but that would have been our choice.  We would have been able to come to that realization on our own, and the consequences would have been handled far differently.  I'm not going to assume to know anything of Betsy's upbringing, but I'm led to understand that only children are prone to getting their own way. Want. Take. Have.  And that's just what she did.

I don’t want her near Ethan because I blame her for breaking Ethan’s world apart.  She took that decision out of our hands and made it her own.

I don't particularly care about the role she played in the breakup of my marriage.  Been there, done that.  Got the t-shirt.  Whatever.  What I am feeling is a seething rage at the mere thought of her being anywhere near my son.  And I am nowhere near ready to deal with that anger.

Logical Questions

Last week, there were four major incidents that made it undeniable to me that my husband's girlfriend just isn’t going away. We have avoided talking about her because I am so angry about the affair we can’t get anywhere. I have worked so hard to figure out what is my business and what isn’t.

My son is my business if my selfish husband decided it would be a good idea to introduce the two if them after having known each other less than a month. Maybe selfish isn't the word. Thoughtless seems more accurate. But the details of how serious they are, how much time they spend together, or anything else that pertains to their relationship doesn’t actually impact me. And, I haven’t really wanted to know any of it.

But I have questions I just can’t make logical answers for.  I totally understand how and why my husband reached the conclusion that we should no longer be married. I am also of the opinion that it takes two to make or break a marriage. I sought out the help I needed. He did not. I learned how to reconnect with the world around me and become a part of it again. He continues to Peter Pan his way through life.

I have tried over and over to tell myself that I don’t need to know, that I may never understand. And I just haven’t been able to get past it. I was packing up photos of us, cards we gave to each other for anniversaries, birthdays, I wasn’t upset. I’ve loaded those memories of us into a box so that when he’s old enough, Ethan can see how much his parents loved each other. I was fine looking at all that stuff.

It’s the damn girlfriend. And she doesn’t seem to be going away. He loves her. Which means that unless my husband and his entire family have been lying to me, at some point he is going to be around her. I don't think it's a good idea for Ethan to be introduced to anyone until after Chris and I are divorced. (whoops, you dropped the ball on that one, Chris). And that either opens up a bottomless well of grief in me or makes me homicidal. This woman who had so little respect for my marriage. This woman who disparagingly referred to my husband being with our son as “daddy duty.” This woman who had known Chris was married and pursued him anyway. How can I make peace with her ever being around my child?


When I can’t sleep at night, it’s not because I’m running memories of our first eight years together through my head. I am revisiting last spring. I don’t want to live there any more. The ridiculous thing is that if we had stayed together, I would have forgiven the affair already. The day I found out about it, (after I kicked him and threw a drink in his face), and realized that EVERYONE knew, not only did they know but condoned it...it was mortifying. I remember bawling to my mother-in-law whose sage wisdom and calming presence had pulled me through so many impossible times, telling her that I couldn't understand why this was happening when we were trying to reconcile. Her response was "Marriages break up everyday." I remember feeling a part of me die right there on the spot. I was expecting her to talk to Chris, make him see how foolish he was being, that he was committing not only a crime against God, but against the law, too. I expected her to remind him of her own marriage to Shannon, and the PTSD he went through that nearly destroyed their family several times over when he was growing up. That the affair was a symptom of a bigger problem and we needed to work on fixing it.

But the affair is actually a relationship, an ongoing seemingly healthy happy partnership by all reports. Is it that they have found something that he and I worked so hard for? Is it that he’s with someone and I’m alone? Is it that he trashed my respect and trust for him in order to be with this woman? I don’t know. But I have to find some way of accepting it and letting it go–whether they’re together another ten days or another ten years. I don’t want to give this woman any more of my energy. And I don’t know how to stop.

How have you dealt with people who have hurt or wronged you? How do you deal with them being around your child?

Guilt and Responsibility

The TV was on in the background. I wasn't really paying attention. One of those Lawyer commercials came on. You know the kind. "Call us if you've been injured or are paid money in annuities and want one lump sum" blah, blah, blah. Then I heard the word "Autism" and "Zoloft" and that caught my attention pretty damn quick.



I was prescribed Zoloft while I was pregnant, and was told at the time it was considered a "Class Schedule D" drug. Meaning they didn't know what the effects on the baby would be.

I can't get this thought out of my head. I know it's not really my fault, am I responsible for Ethan not being able to realise his full potential? Did I contribute to his autism?

When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

August used to be one of my favorite months. The beginning of the end of summer. The excitement of starting a new school year. Tax-Free weekend. My final month of pregnancy and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my son.

This month feels tainted to me now. I think I'll look back on this month as quite possibly the most painful and heartbreaking month of my life. The promise of reconciliation destroyed. The discovery and witnessed affair. The broken promises. Lies, deceit, betrayal. My apparent sado-masochistic willingness to allow myself to hope and then watch helplessly as more of my life crumbles around me. I thought I was prepared, but oh...I am so not. This month has been a tragic lesson in what happens when you trust someone and they abuse that privilege, smash you over the head with it and laugh as you bleed.

And then I look at Ethan. My child with Autism and I think how amazing he is. It's true he's not good at making eye contact or holding a conversation. He also doesn't lie, cheat at games, pass judgement on people or tattle on his classmates. I wish I could be more like him.

I wish a lot of people could be more like him.

Here's a New One

Ethan is picked up and dropped off at my house each day. This morning as I put Ethan on the transport vehicle, the driver asked if the woman she saw with Chris waiting for Ethsn was Ethan's Aunt because she looked like me.

"No...that would be his new girlfriend. Did he mention we're not even separated yet?"

In all fairness, she did tell me yesterday that had happened. I was just shocked to hear the bud driver mention it.

How fucking bizarre (sorry Mom) is it that the mistress is being more honest with me than my husband? I'm still pissed as he'll there is a mistress, but still.

And the Hits Keep Coming

This weekend was Chris' weekend with Ethan. Ethan is dropped off from school and Chris usually calls me around 5 to let me know how Ethan's day went. At 6pm, I still didnt heat from him, so I called and the phone rang 4 tomes, then went to Voicemail. I left a message. At 7pm, I still haven't heard anything. I started calling every half hour, then every 20 minutes. Finally at 10pm, I gave up and decided to go to his house (he's staying with his parents). I drove up and there's a strange car in the driveway (exact same model as mine). I used my key and went inside. The bedroom door was open and there was Chris, in bed with his girlfriend. In his PARENTS bed. And Ethan was in the room across the hall, where Chris was supposed to be. I am so close to calling his parents and telling them, but I don't want to ruin their time with the baby.

See, his parents are in California with their daughter because she just adopted a baby girl. Instead of being responsible, Chris decided to play house. I don't particularly care about that. He can do whatever or in this case, whomever he pleases (sorry Mom). What I do care is that he involved Ethan, and as it turns out, this isn't the first time. Yes, I am absolutely LIVID about this. But, I can't control his stupid choices. I asked them both, very nicely, if they want to have a relationship, that's fine. If she would like to get to know Ethan. I'm okY with that. But no more overnights while Ethan is there. No more lying to me about where you're going with Ethan and who will be there. No more of her driving With Ethan in the car.

So...that was my weekend. How was yours?

Acceptance is Not Forever

It has been my experience that God seems reluctant to intervene in my circumstances until I learn to accept what He has already given.

Acceptance is not forever, it is for the present moment, but it must be sincere and at gut level.

Welcome to the Video Blog (maybe)

I recently upgraded to an iPhone 4 and it has sone pretty nifty video editing capabilities, as well as a hi-def video recorder. I've been playing around with the idea of keeping a web log on YouTube. Dunno if I'll actually have the guts to do it, but it's something I'm considering.

I realised today that in addition to my bipolar, I'm also codependent. If you think aboutbit, it makes sense. Chris lies and denies it, I have my suspiciouns that he is lying and become hostile - because that is the only way I know to protect myself from the crushing hurt that follows. Then I become manipulative and ask indirect questions trying to catch him outvin a lie, and when I do, I'm furious, which makes him lie even more...which makes me hostile..,

It's such a self-destructive cycle. I can't seem to stop following up and checking up on him because I don't believe a word he says. Ever. How am I supposed to heal from this if I can't let it go? What need is this behavior of mine fulfilling? I hate it.

Lawyers from Another Point of View

First off, I have to share this

Ethan and I worked on putting together a video this morning to celebrate Melissa and Adam's adoption of a baby girl!  It was a long, exhaustive and often heartbreaking process, but they did it!  Congratulations!

As for my own lawyer, things are progressing at a slow, manageable, reasonable pace.  I mean, we have a whole year to do this, so no need to rush.  We're using a collection of attorneys that work for a not-for-profit organization called Separating Together.  We are using a collaborative divorce process, which basically means we make all the decisions.  Who gets what, which finances go where, how custody will be arranged.  Basically...I'm getting everything and we're sharing custody of Ethan.  Ethan's primary address is with me, but he goes to Chris after school, I pick him up after work.  Ethan spends the night with Chris on Tuesdays and every other weekend.

Even though he's a lying douchenozzle (sorry Mom),  and I can't trust him as far as I can throw him, one thing he actually excels at is being a good Dad.  We actually can have reasonable, meaningful discussions about Ethan, but any other topic...TOXIC.

So that's my update.

I leave you with the words of the Reverand Jimmy Buffett:

Good times and riches and son of a bitches, I've seen more than I can recall.

Fool Me Once

...shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

God, I wish I had listened to my Mom.

Chris cheated. Again. Only this time he involved Ethan and I am spitting nails furious. Trouble is, I can't tell if I'm more upset about that or about how humiliated I feel trusting him and trying to put this marriage back together.

I kicked his shins and threw a drink on him when I realized what was going on. Actually, first I punched him, then I kicked. Just like Sensei taught me.

Go the F to Sleep! (NSFW)

Samuel L. Jackson reading a bedtime story.  Sort of.  A story about every. single. parent. EVER.

Words I Wish I Had Remembered Over the Last 48 hours

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Matthew 6:34

Translation? Don't go looking for trouble. It will find you.

The Soles of Evil

Okay, I am done wearing my dang work appropriate shoes. I haven't worn heels in so long, they started to make the balls of my feet burn. Stupid shoes and their soles of evil.

Return of the Jedi

Okay, I'm not a Jedi, but that would look pretty impressive on a CV. Skills: Light Saber Dueling, convincing people these are not the droids they are looking for, telepathy, raising a child who will grow up to become Darth Vader.

Life is Pain

When he was asked the meaning of life the Buddha answered by saying "Life is pain." Why is this so? What is the source of our pain and suffering?

Make it so

In honor of Captain Picard Day, I am ending each sentence with the words "Make it so".

Divorce? Make it so!

When it's Time to Change

I have no idea why I chose a Brady Bunch song as the title to this entry. There have been a few developments since I last wrote.

1. I am off that horrid Trazodone and feel physically 100% better
2. My head-meds have been adjusted to address the rapid cycling I have been experiencing. Bouncing from hypo-manic to manically depressed within the space of a few days - even a few hours in some cases. It's very disorienting.
3. Chris and I are getting divorced.


Chris is unhappy about it, but will do it "if that's what you want". And it is. I have been taking out my anger and rage on him so much, and so unfairly. He deserves better. He needs a person that needs him. I am just not that person, and I regret that. What's funny is, as soon as I made that decision, my spirits immediately lifted - like this big crushing weight of tension and stress had been lifted. The prospect of being free from that is exhilharating.

As soon as he's settled with a new residence and a job, we'll be able to file for separation, and next year, divorce. We agreed that this is a "no fault" situation, and we truly wish the best for each other. This past year...we've been nothing but toxic, and I really hate that. We agreed that Ethan will stay with me, and Chris will pick him up after school and keep him until I'm off work. We'll work out overnights and weekend as we go along, but we need to keep Ethan's structure and routine our primary consideration, and we both agree on that.
I really feel that this is the best decision. We're both miserable, although Chris won't admit that. I know I am miserable, and I'm miserable and completely horrid to him. (I won't use the B word, in case my parents are reading this). He deserves better, and I know he'll find it.

If We Weren't all Crazy, We'd all go Insane

I was started on a new script, and now I'm experiencing hallucinations.

I know what I see, hear, and smell is not real, so I'm definitely not schizophrenic. I see shadows in the corners of my eyes,but to be fair my vision is wobbly and blurred - I can't see well enough to drive. I walked into the bathroom and smelled a fire. The worst part is hearing things - music, children singing, tapping in the walls, scratching noises between the walls. Things scraping and dragging downstairs when I'm upstairs. People yelling across the street to each other.

Last night we had a massive lighting and wind - sort of a tornado with lightning bolts. I looked outside and saw snow falling. I texted Chris about this, knowing it was impossible. I went outside to take a picture and saw nothing.

Actually, no, that was not the worst. The worst part is, although this is supposed to be an anti-depression medication that is usually prescribed as a sleep-aid), I have not had a full night's rest since I started taking the medicine. I feel drugged, not sleepy, my speech is messed up due to aphasia. I have to write things down, because I'll forget conversations, appointments, things I need to do. My ankles, knees, back, sternum and shoulders, and screaming leg and arm muscles. Meeting with my psychiatrist on Monday and I plan to BEG her to put me back on my klonopin to ensure I sleep through the night. Klonopin is also a quick acting anti-anxiety medication. Based on the side-effects THE TRAZODONE IS NOT WORKING.

he Trazodone

Counting Down

12 days until I return to work. Yikes. I have so much anxiety over this, but I'll make it through. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, and I think next Wednesday too. I'll see my psychiatrist 2 more times before I return to work. She lowered my klonopin dose from 3mg to 1mg - which I'm pretty upset about. I also need to talk to her about returning my schedule to WFH 2 days/week as a necessary work accommodation. Since I'll still be in therapy for a while, I'll be able to schedule it on my WFH day/s. I'll also need to see my psychiatrist once a month, and my regular doctor as well.

Lots to prepare for. But here's the real news: I am going out with a friend tomorrow for ice cream. lol. I haven't left the house in 5 days. I'll bring my klonopin with me if I feel anxious about going out.

Death in the Family

Received an email from my Dad that his brother (my Uncle) passed away on Saturday. That makes me feel sad, and rather nostalgic about my childhood. During the summer we would get the unexpected news that we'd been invited to dinner at Uncle Richard and Aunt Irene's house. That was our kid summer-break Christmas because they had an in-ground swimming pool and two cousins kind of near my age that I could play with. Lisa was a little older, and did sophisticated things like compete in figure skating and horse shows. She'd show me some of the ribbons she had won and I was so impressed and proud to be her cousin. Ricky was more the remote control car and hotwheels type, so naturally I gravitated towards he andy brother, who both summarily shut me out due to my gender. I remember Ricky showing me his box of magic tricks once. That was always cool.

I think I was about 8 or 9 when the mysterious "Great Divide" of our extended family occurred. To this day, over 30 years later, I still have no idea what happened. Our Gran died, and all of a sudden our whole outer family disappeared except for Aunt Brenda. It's like the big family mystery, which used to intrigue me, but now I'm just frustrated because I have no idea what my family medical history looks like.

Thank you for making my childhood summers special, Uncle Richard. Godspeed.

Good and Bad

Slid onto a bad patch and had a hard day. Today was the day I met my new psychiatrist and I was anxious and prickly. Took a couple of klonopin before we left, but even that didn't help.

I tried to like her, really, but the first thing she did wad up my Lamictal dose to 200mg, and that kind of scares me. From everything I've read, it needs to be increased slowly over a period of several weeks. I've only just worked up to 125mg, and now she wants me at 200mg. And she's dropping my klonopin to just 1 a day (down from 4), and giving me a different antidepressant to take at night so I can actually fall asleep and stay asleep. I went to bed around 10, and here it is 1:30 and I'm wide awake.

And her solution to my job stress? "Have you thought about getting a new job?" seriously, she said that. She said the same thing to my friend. It reminds me of that MadTV skit with Bob Newhart playing the therapist. He'd listen and say "STOP IT!" (link is above, sounds just like the advice I got for free from my Dad)

But, with the bad comes the good. On my way out, I spotted one of my favourite people from group. Apparently he was assigned to Doctor Bitch as well.

It's a Process

_____________ is a process, not an event. Fill in your own feeling and think about it.

Dear Crystal

I was reacting to how I felt, rather than the situation itself. I am very sorry for the hurtful things I said, and I hope you can understand and forgive my outburst. Of course having a new baby in the family is exciting and chaotic. Please don't let my words detract from that.

As for my family, of whom each and every one of you with the exception of my Brother took it upon yourselves to berate me, shame me, tell me how awful I was and to complain about my language. Well guess what? That's what being Bi-Polar IS. Don't you dare sit there in judgement of me, claiming you read my blog and not saying a word to me about it, not one single comment about my day-to-day struggles or triumphs. Not a word of encouragement or "hang in there", but the second I express anger or conflict over something involving family, all of you are right there to put me back in my place, just like you've always done. Telling me how wrong I am, how I'm overreacting and I need to just get over it. Suppressing the unpleasant things and pretending they didn't happen. Just like always.

If this is how you plan to help me - silent approval until I get out of line - then do me a favor and just stop reading this thing.

Feeling...WTF?

I know I'm bipolar, and it has a certain stigma. Oh well, that's the way people want to be. Fuck 'em. Found out my niece had a baby today. Don't know the gender (guess my brother's wife assumed I'd know) but that's not what I'm feeling upset about. She emailed my two sisters. Not me, or my parents. Seriously - what the fuck is that about? That makes me feel really left out of important events in my family. My parents are probably more of the "at least we know" camp, but I am honestly pissed. Why was I left out, and why was it left to my sister to share the news?

My New Therapist

I'd like you to meet my new full-time therapist.

His name is Sheldon, and he's very sweet, playful and best of all...GINGER!  I've always wanted a ginger cat.

Um...something I forgot to mention

I start one-on-one therapy next week (on Bob's Birthday lol). Chris promised to not let me bail due to anxiety.

Anyhow, one thing I kinda forgot to mention, but my close friends and family who read this blog have probably known for a long time....turns out I hot only have Bipolar Disorder, but a personality disorder as well.  tghe official terms is "Personality Disorder NOS" which means 'not otherwise specified.  It's basically the clinician's way of saying "Yes, there are traits of several different personality disorders, but not enough of one for us to figure it out exactly, and we need more clinical data on this person to further define it and be able to treat it properly"  I envision that sentence written at the bottom of my patient chart as a note to my new psychiatrist ending with "She's brilliant and quirky, but I have no CLUE how to diagnostcally categorize this. Best of Luck!"

First Breakthrough

I hate that word.  "Breakthrough"  it's so clinical.  I much prefer "Epiphany". It's much more ethereal sounding. Exotic. Something that spiritual people are blessed with when they receive a great understanding.  Breakthrough just sounds like a hurdle a crazy person is finally able to figure out while everyone else goes "Well...duh!"

Life. Balance. Work.

My psychiatrist said something rather profound today. I was telling her that my employer cares abouts the wellness of it's employees. One of their internal key phrases is "Work. Life. Balance". She looked at me and said "That seems backward. It really should be Life. Balance. Work".

I thought about that and realised she's absolutely right. My employer is essentially telling me to balance my Life against my Work. My happiness lies with my family, not my job. If I want to feel peace, I need to remember the job is just the job. It's not who I am. It doesn't tell me it loves me when I arrive. It doesn't make dinner for me or kiss me goodnight and listen to bedtime stories. It's there so I can provide for my family and be able to do those things. LIFE. BALANCE. WORK.

Well shit, now I'm going to have to rename the blog.

How Long, LORD? How long?

LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.

How long, LORD, how long?
Turn, LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalms 6:1-4

Baby Steps

Today was a good day for me.  Chris was working at the museum today, so Ethan and I spent time together.  Wait for it.  I went outside and walked around the block. I know, right??

It's Okay to be Takei

I don't know how much more awesome George Takei can get.

The Crying Game

My days seem to be emotionally cyclical in nature.  It's nice knowing what to expect, but damn, it's exhausting.

Rorschach it to me

Today I had my first meeting with a therapist (I had been seeing only a psychiatrist up through now. He was very polite, unassuming, good natured. From what I understand, those are the Wiley ones. He asked me the usual background questions "Where were you born? Did you grow up there? How many siblings?" Etcetera. Then he pulled out a Rorschach Test (also known as the inkblot test). Now, I had never taken one before and had never seen the blots (I put a link to them on Wikipedia in the beginning of the post.

People will tell you there are no "right" or "wrong" answers, but your answers can be interpreted into such categories as human relations, male/female identity, personality, and dysfunctions.

Autobots...Get Down!

Damn I love YouTube.  Where else can you find people playing pranks on cats, re-dubbing David Hasselhoff videos into Literal Videos and an entire sequence about Transformers getting funky with MJ's classis Thriller dance?  Not sure what's up with the Christmas tree, but it's a nice touch.

Happy Zombie Appreciation Month!

On Nightmares and Zolpidem

Again to Zolpidem, I say "WTF?".  I suppose it's interesting remembering your dreams when you're awake and laughing at the absurd images - but when you take the whole "on mood stabilizers" situation into count, my dreams go from fatuously absurd to downright creepy and surreal. 

David Tennant - Olympics 2012 Petition

David Tennant - Olympics 2012 Petition: "http://www.PetitionOnline.com/Drwh2012/petition.html"

Damn Zolpidem, You Scary!

For those not aware, Zolpidem is the poor-man's Ambien.  Or rather, it's what your insurance company will stick you with unless your doctor specifies "No Substitutions Permitted" on the script he gives to you. 

The Boys Are Away...

...so instead of spending time stomping Orcs in Azeroth, I'm designing a blog.  It occurred to me that I would do myself a great service by cataloguing my journey from Hellness to Wellness.