When it's Time to Change

I have no idea why I chose a Brady Bunch song as the title to this entry. There have been a few developments since I last wrote.

1. I am off that horrid Trazodone and feel physically 100% better
2. My head-meds have been adjusted to address the rapid cycling I have been experiencing. Bouncing from hypo-manic to manically depressed within the space of a few days - even a few hours in some cases. It's very disorienting.
3. Chris and I are getting divorced.


Chris is unhappy about it, but will do it "if that's what you want". And it is. I have been taking out my anger and rage on him so much, and so unfairly. He deserves better. He needs a person that needs him. I am just not that person, and I regret that. What's funny is, as soon as I made that decision, my spirits immediately lifted - like this big crushing weight of tension and stress had been lifted. The prospect of being free from that is exhilharating.

As soon as he's settled with a new residence and a job, we'll be able to file for separation, and next year, divorce. We agreed that this is a "no fault" situation, and we truly wish the best for each other. This past year...we've been nothing but toxic, and I really hate that. We agreed that Ethan will stay with me, and Chris will pick him up after school and keep him until I'm off work. We'll work out overnights and weekend as we go along, but we need to keep Ethan's structure and routine our primary consideration, and we both agree on that.
I really feel that this is the best decision. We're both miserable, although Chris won't admit that. I know I am miserable, and I'm miserable and completely horrid to him. (I won't use the B word, in case my parents are reading this). He deserves better, and I know he'll find it.

If We Weren't all Crazy, We'd all go Insane

I was started on a new script, and now I'm experiencing hallucinations.

I know what I see, hear, and smell is not real, so I'm definitely not schizophrenic. I see shadows in the corners of my eyes,but to be fair my vision is wobbly and blurred - I can't see well enough to drive. I walked into the bathroom and smelled a fire. The worst part is hearing things - music, children singing, tapping in the walls, scratching noises between the walls. Things scraping and dragging downstairs when I'm upstairs. People yelling across the street to each other.

Last night we had a massive lighting and wind - sort of a tornado with lightning bolts. I looked outside and saw snow falling. I texted Chris about this, knowing it was impossible. I went outside to take a picture and saw nothing.

Actually, no, that was not the worst. The worst part is, although this is supposed to be an anti-depression medication that is usually prescribed as a sleep-aid), I have not had a full night's rest since I started taking the medicine. I feel drugged, not sleepy, my speech is messed up due to aphasia. I have to write things down, because I'll forget conversations, appointments, things I need to do. My ankles, knees, back, sternum and shoulders, and screaming leg and arm muscles. Meeting with my psychiatrist on Monday and I plan to BEG her to put me back on my klonopin to ensure I sleep through the night. Klonopin is also a quick acting anti-anxiety medication. Based on the side-effects THE TRAZODONE IS NOT WORKING.

he Trazodone

Good and Bad

Slid onto a bad patch and had a hard day. Today was the day I met my new psychiatrist and I was anxious and prickly. Took a couple of klonopin before we left, but even that didn't help.

I tried to like her, really, but the first thing she did wad up my Lamictal dose to 200mg, and that kind of scares me. From everything I've read, it needs to be increased slowly over a period of several weeks. I've only just worked up to 125mg, and now she wants me at 200mg. And she's dropping my klonopin to just 1 a day (down from 4), and giving me a different antidepressant to take at night so I can actually fall asleep and stay asleep. I went to bed around 10, and here it is 1:30 and I'm wide awake.

And her solution to my job stress? "Have you thought about getting a new job?" seriously, she said that. She said the same thing to my friend. It reminds me of that MadTV skit with Bob Newhart playing the therapist. He'd listen and say "STOP IT!" (link is above, sounds just like the advice I got for free from my Dad)

But, with the bad comes the good. On my way out, I spotted one of my favourite people from group. Apparently he was assigned to Doctor Bitch as well.