I absolutely do not understand this at all. Chris asked if I knew anyone who had a tent he could borrow for the Ren Faire. I delivered. So off he goes, telling me he's going by himself and then calls me later saying the tent is set up and he's turning in. Except it was all a big lie. He went down with Betsy and they're staying in a hotel. A few public FaceBook posts combined with some texts and phone calls to me and he hung himself with his own rope.
I could care less what he does as long as Ethan isn't involved. But why lie? Why does he still do the grocery shopping for the house a few times each month? Why does he take out the trash and move it to the curb on Trash day? Why does he help with laundry and dishes while he's waiting for Ethan to get off the bus? Why does his FaceBook profile still say we're married? Why don't we have a separation agreement? Why won't he sign a Voluntary Support Agreement so I can file it with the court to ensure Ethan gets child support? Why does he still act like a husband?
My instinct tells me he's afraid to make anything permanent. He has refused to sign the VSA, and that scares me. I have nothing but his word to pay me $250 each week, which hasn't happened in over a month. We've agreed to $450 twice each month, so why won't he sign it and let me file it with the court? I've asked for a Quit Claim Deed, which he won't consider either. Why doesn't he want anything on record in the court system? If he's afraid of making this permanent, then why is he keeping Betsy on the side? He can't have it both ways.
The truth is, I don't want him in my life. At all. We've already agreed that I would have primary custody and he would have visitation, which only makes sense. Ethan has his own room here, he goes to school in this district, his track-out program is on my way to work. I have a steady job, benefits and a set schedule. Sure, my life had changed, but I'm a better person for it. Ethan and I have a routine at home that works for us. My house is clean. I do laundry on the weekends and shop for groceries on Tuesday nights. I make Ethan's lunch for school every night. He plays the Wii for 30 minutes, goes upstairs to use the potty and brush teeth, then it's tine for pajammy's. He plays in his room for about an hour which gives me enough time to get some laundry done, and then it's snuggle time until about 9:00, and he's asleep by 9:30. It's the routine and structure he is used to and needs at home. I'm not sure if he's getting that with Chris. Once a week and every-other weekend (which has not happened since September). I'm glad he's working, but I'm not so pleased that he pawns Ethan off to his parents if he is supposed to watch Ethan but runs off to work instead. After school for 30 minutes or so, I understand and completely support and am very grateful his Mom or Dad are able to watch Ethan until I pick him up after work. But I have a real problem if it's going to be several hours, or if his parents are responsible for putting Ethan to bed. They are going through a tremendous amount of stress dealing with Grandaddy and Memaw's health. I respect them for offering to watch Ethan, but I can't respect Chris for always taking them up on their offers when he KNOWS what they are going through. Chris needs to man-up and do things for himself. Get a job that pays well and consistently so he can afford the $1000 of child support and alimony Ethan and I are due each month. He has a brain in his head, but The unfamiliar holds him back. He's unwilling to try new things, even if it's to provide for his family. It's ironic that after being with him and married for 8 years, he is exactly in the same position as when I found him. Broke, jobless and moving in with his parents. Nothing but a charming smile, outrageous (if completely untrue) stories, and lots of pretty words. He lied to me the day I met him - pretending to be British for God's sake. If he had confessed to doing it to pick me up, it would have been a sweet story. But he kept up the charade for months. I told my Mom about this handsome, charming Brit, and he let me. Even spoke to her on the phone with his "accent". It wasn't until a fee months later when I was having lunch with his parents that I learned about the deception. He kept it up for MONTHS. And I fell for it. Just like everyone falls for his false promises and sweet words.
He ran from his first marriage, forcing his wife to file abandonment charges against him. He ran from this marriage right when I needed him most, and had two affairs before taking off. Both affairs - in less than a week in each case - did he claim to love the girl dnd want to be with them forever. Alicia was lucky, she got out. (well, Chris and I decided to reconcile and he broke things off). Two days later, along comes Betsy, and within a week he's telling her that he loves her. It seems to be a pattern. FInd a girl, feed her all the words she wants to hear, then sponge off her until it's time to leave. The going gets rough, and Chris gets going. The only difference this time is he's forced to stick around for the dissolution of this marriage because we have a child together. Honestly, if Ethan didn't love his Dad so much, I'd due for full custody and leave him with visitation at my discretion. I don't want Ethan to learn how to lie. I want him to learn to take responsibility for his actions and be confident enough to know that he doesn't have to make up stories to get people to like him.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
12 November 2011
22 September 2011
Between Forgiveness and Hate there is Therapy. Lots of Therapy.
It took me about a month of therapy to realize why I hate Betsy so much and why I don’t want her anywhere near Ethan.
I can forgive Chris for his mistakes. I really can. We have an eight year history, and I know how rocky it’s been these past few years. Mental illness aside, I understand why he reached out to others when he needed that emotional connection with someone, and I can forgive him for that. I was literally incapable of bonding with him. I can forgive him for reaching out to other women. They gave him the friendship and support he needed and all had the graciousness to back down when they realized there was a child involved.
All except Betsy.
Instead of doing the right thing, she took advantage of his emotional weakness and selfishly inserted herself into his life. I can forgive the break-up of the marriage. What I can't, and probably never will be able to forgive, is how she forever altered Ethan’s world without a second thought.
I will never understand how a human being could hurt an innocent child like that, and then claim to care for him. It feels like a form of child abuse. If she cared for him, she would have walked away and let our marriage sink or swim on its own. It would have sank, but that would have been our choice. We would have been able to come to that realization on our own, and the consequences would have been handled far differently. I'm not going to assume to know anything of Betsy's upbringing, but I'm led to understand that only children are prone to getting their own way. Want. Take. Have. And that's just what she did.
I don’t want her near Ethan because I blame her for breaking Ethan’s world apart. She took that decision out of our hands and made it her own.
I don't particularly care about the role she played in the breakup of my marriage. Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt. Whatever. What I am feeling is a seething rage at the mere thought of her being anywhere near my son. And I am nowhere near ready to deal with that anger.
10 September 2011
Logical Questions
Last week, there were four major incidents that made it undeniable to me that my husband's girlfriend just isn’t going away. We have avoided talking about her because I am so angry about the affair we can’t get anywhere. I have worked so hard to figure out what is my business and what isn’t.
My son is my business if my selfish husband decided it would be a good idea to introduce the two if them after having known each other less than a month. Maybe selfish isn't the word. Thoughtless seems more accurate. But the details of how serious they are, how much time they spend together, or anything else that pertains to their relationship doesn’t actually impact me. And, I haven’t really wanted to know any of it.
But I have questions I just can’t make logical answers for. I totally understand how and why my husband reached the conclusion that we should no longer be married. I am also of the opinion that it takes two to make or break a marriage. I sought out the help I needed. He did not. I learned how to reconnect with the world around me and become a part of it again. He continues to Peter Pan his way through life.
I have tried over and over to tell myself that I don’t need to know, that I may never understand. And I just haven’t been able to get past it. I was packing up photos of us, cards we gave to each other for anniversaries, birthdays, I wasn’t upset. I’ve loaded those memories of us into a box so that when he’s old enough, Ethan can see how much his parents loved each other. I was fine looking at all that stuff.
It’s the damn girlfriend. And she doesn’t seem to be going away. He loves her. Which means that unless my husband and his entire family have been lying to me, at some point he is going to be around her. I don't think it's a good idea for Ethan to be introduced to anyone until after Chris and I are divorced. (whoops, you dropped the ball on that one, Chris). And that either opens up a bottomless well of grief in me or makes me homicidal. This woman who had so little respect for my marriage. This woman who disparagingly referred to my husband being with our son as “daddy duty.” This woman who had known Chris was married and pursued him anyway. How can I make peace with her ever being around my child?
When I can’t sleep at night, it’s not because I’m running memories of our first eight years together through my head. I am revisiting last spring. I don’t want to live there any more. The ridiculous thing is that if we had stayed together, I would have forgiven the affair already. The day I found out about it, (after I kicked him and threw a drink in his face), and realized that EVERYONE knew, not only did they know but condoned it...it was mortifying. I remember bawling to my mother-in-law whose sage wisdom and calming presence had pulled me through so many impossible times, telling her that I couldn't understand why this was happening when we were trying to reconcile. Her response was "Marriages break up everyday." I remember feeling a part of me die right there on the spot. I was expecting her to talk to Chris, make him see how foolish he was being, that he was committing not only a crime against God, but against the law, too. I expected her to remind him of her own marriage to Shannon, and the PTSD he went through that nearly destroyed their family several times over when he was growing up. That the affair was a symptom of a bigger problem and we needed to work on fixing it.
But the affair is actually a relationship, an ongoing seemingly healthy happy partnership by all reports. Is it that they have found something that he and I worked so hard for? Is it that he’s with someone and I’m alone? Is it that he trashed my respect and trust for him in order to be with this woman? I don’t know. But I have to find some way of accepting it and letting it go–whether they’re together another ten days or another ten years. I don’t want to give this woman any more of my energy. And I don’t know how to stop.
How have you dealt with people who have hurt or wronged you? How do you deal with them being around your child?
My son is my business if my selfish husband decided it would be a good idea to introduce the two if them after having known each other less than a month. Maybe selfish isn't the word. Thoughtless seems more accurate. But the details of how serious they are, how much time they spend together, or anything else that pertains to their relationship doesn’t actually impact me. And, I haven’t really wanted to know any of it.
But I have questions I just can’t make logical answers for. I totally understand how and why my husband reached the conclusion that we should no longer be married. I am also of the opinion that it takes two to make or break a marriage. I sought out the help I needed. He did not. I learned how to reconnect with the world around me and become a part of it again. He continues to Peter Pan his way through life.
I have tried over and over to tell myself that I don’t need to know, that I may never understand. And I just haven’t been able to get past it. I was packing up photos of us, cards we gave to each other for anniversaries, birthdays, I wasn’t upset. I’ve loaded those memories of us into a box so that when he’s old enough, Ethan can see how much his parents loved each other. I was fine looking at all that stuff.
It’s the damn girlfriend. And she doesn’t seem to be going away. He loves her. Which means that unless my husband and his entire family have been lying to me, at some point he is going to be around her. I don't think it's a good idea for Ethan to be introduced to anyone until after Chris and I are divorced. (whoops, you dropped the ball on that one, Chris). And that either opens up a bottomless well of grief in me or makes me homicidal. This woman who had so little respect for my marriage. This woman who disparagingly referred to my husband being with our son as “daddy duty.” This woman who had known Chris was married and pursued him anyway. How can I make peace with her ever being around my child?
When I can’t sleep at night, it’s not because I’m running memories of our first eight years together through my head. I am revisiting last spring. I don’t want to live there any more. The ridiculous thing is that if we had stayed together, I would have forgiven the affair already. The day I found out about it, (after I kicked him and threw a drink in his face), and realized that EVERYONE knew, not only did they know but condoned it...it was mortifying. I remember bawling to my mother-in-law whose sage wisdom and calming presence had pulled me through so many impossible times, telling her that I couldn't understand why this was happening when we were trying to reconcile. Her response was "Marriages break up everyday." I remember feeling a part of me die right there on the spot. I was expecting her to talk to Chris, make him see how foolish he was being, that he was committing not only a crime against God, but against the law, too. I expected her to remind him of her own marriage to Shannon, and the PTSD he went through that nearly destroyed their family several times over when he was growing up. That the affair was a symptom of a bigger problem and we needed to work on fixing it.
But the affair is actually a relationship, an ongoing seemingly healthy happy partnership by all reports. Is it that they have found something that he and I worked so hard for? Is it that he’s with someone and I’m alone? Is it that he trashed my respect and trust for him in order to be with this woman? I don’t know. But I have to find some way of accepting it and letting it go–whether they’re together another ten days or another ten years. I don’t want to give this woman any more of my energy. And I don’t know how to stop.
How have you dealt with people who have hurt or wronged you? How do you deal with them being around your child?
27 July 2011
Fool Me Once
...shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
God, I wish I had listened to my Mom.
Chris cheated. Again. Only this time he involved Ethan and I am spitting nails furious. Trouble is, I can't tell if I'm more upset about that or about how humiliated I feel trusting him and trying to put this marriage back together.
I kicked his shins and threw a drink on him when I realized what was going on. Actually, first I punched him, then I kicked. Just like Sensei taught me.
God, I wish I had listened to my Mom.
Chris cheated. Again. Only this time he involved Ethan and I am spitting nails furious. Trouble is, I can't tell if I'm more upset about that or about how humiliated I feel trusting him and trying to put this marriage back together.
I kicked his shins and threw a drink on him when I realized what was going on. Actually, first I punched him, then I kicked. Just like Sensei taught me.
16 June 2011
Make it so
In honor of Captain Picard Day, I am ending each sentence with the words "Make it so".
Divorce? Make it so!
Divorce? Make it so!
15 June 2011
When it's Time to Change
I have no idea why I chose a Brady Bunch song as the title to this entry. There have been a few developments since I last wrote.
1. I am off that horrid Trazodone and feel physically 100% better
2. My head-meds have been adjusted to address the rapid cycling I have been experiencing. Bouncing from hypo-manic to manically depressed within the space of a few days - even a few hours in some cases. It's very disorienting.
3. Chris and I are getting divorced.
Chris is unhappy about it, but will do it "if that's what you want". And it is. I have been taking out my anger and rage on him so much, and so unfairly. He deserves better. He needs a person that needs him. I am just not that person, and I regret that. What's funny is, as soon as I made that decision, my spirits immediately lifted - like this big crushing weight of tension and stress had been lifted. The prospect of being free from that is exhilharating.
As soon as he's settled with a new residence and a job, we'll be able to file for separation, and next year, divorce. We agreed that this is a "no fault" situation, and we truly wish the best for each other. This past year...we've been nothing but toxic, and I really hate that. We agreed that Ethan will stay with me, and Chris will pick him up after school and keep him until I'm off work. We'll work out overnights and weekend as we go along, but we need to keep Ethan's structure and routine our primary consideration, and we both agree on that.
I really feel that this is the best decision. We're both miserable, although Chris won't admit that. I know I am miserable, and I'm miserable and completely horrid to him. (I won't use the B word, in case my parents are reading this). He deserves better, and I know he'll find it.
1. I am off that horrid Trazodone and feel physically 100% better
2. My head-meds have been adjusted to address the rapid cycling I have been experiencing. Bouncing from hypo-manic to manically depressed within the space of a few days - even a few hours in some cases. It's very disorienting.
3. Chris and I are getting divorced.
Chris is unhappy about it, but will do it "if that's what you want". And it is. I have been taking out my anger and rage on him so much, and so unfairly. He deserves better. He needs a person that needs him. I am just not that person, and I regret that. What's funny is, as soon as I made that decision, my spirits immediately lifted - like this big crushing weight of tension and stress had been lifted. The prospect of being free from that is exhilharating.
As soon as he's settled with a new residence and a job, we'll be able to file for separation, and next year, divorce. We agreed that this is a "no fault" situation, and we truly wish the best for each other. This past year...we've been nothing but toxic, and I really hate that. We agreed that Ethan will stay with me, and Chris will pick him up after school and keep him until I'm off work. We'll work out overnights and weekend as we go along, but we need to keep Ethan's structure and routine our primary consideration, and we both agree on that.
I really feel that this is the best decision. We're both miserable, although Chris won't admit that. I know I am miserable, and I'm miserable and completely horrid to him. (I won't use the B word, in case my parents are reading this). He deserves better, and I know he'll find it.
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