First Breakthrough

I hate that word.  "Breakthrough"  it's so clinical.  I much prefer "Epiphany". It's much more ethereal sounding. Exotic. Something that spiritual people are blessed with when they receive a great understanding.  Breakthrough just sounds like a hurdle a crazy person is finally able to figure out while everyone else goes "Well...duh!"

My epiphany arrived yesterday in my last day of group therapy. (Which went way better than Thursday's group).  We were doing what I called the "Romper Bomper Stomper Boo" exercise.  Each of us was given two sheets of paper with a crudely drawn hand mirror on it.  On one page, we were to write positive things about ourselves when we looked into the mirror.  Here's a list of what I wrote:

• I see things from a unique perspective
• I'm a loving Mom
• Non-Sequitor
• I'm worthy of Love
• I've embraced my inner-nerd and "Own" it.
• Creative
• Empathetic
• Able to Rock interesting hair styles, so I must have more self-esteem than I give myself credit for
• Will find the courage to overcome my anxiety
• Worthy of Love
• Courteous Driver (it's a good thing)

The second page we were only to write our names and then hand the paper around the room so others could write what they saw in us. Here is what mine said:

• Not afraid to be myself
• I let my Geek Flag Fly  (I love this phrase, by the way)
• Creative
• Kind
• I care about people
• I'm compassionate and dedicated to my work
• A loving mother and wife
• Well dressed
• Great personality
• Loving Mom
• Quirky, charming and beautiful

The therapist then asked me to compare my two mirrors and asked me if there was anything on the list that people wrote about me that I didn't agree with, or surprised me, or made me feel uncomfortable.  I looked at both lists again for about 30 seconds and finally said "No."

"Why?"

Again, I thought about it. "The first thing I wrote on my mirror was that I was worthy of love.  And seeing all these descriptions from everyone confirmed that for me.  I don't think I'm beautiful, but my friends do, and they see it.  My friends are earnest and have no reason to lie, so it must be true.  And now I'm starting to understand. It doesn't matter what I've done, what I'm going through, how bad I feel.  Holding it inside and isolating myself until I've "gotten over it" doesn't keep things from happening again.  It just allowed me to go off to my fortress of solitude and sulk. My friends and family will listen when I feel hurt, sad, afraid, ashamed.  They'll listen and tell me they love me, that it's okay if I've made mistakes, that if I feel shame that I've let someone down, why I don't have to feel that way.  They love me.  And I'm worthy of that love, and I can trust in it."

I sort of smiled at myself at that point.  "It's not just lip-service.  I understand."

It was a pretty cool feeling.  I mean, I'm not going to start yakkety-yakking at my family now.  There's still work there to be done.  Growing up, I was loved, I felt loved, but I never felt understood.  I never felt like I could talk about my feelings.  Part of that was my Father's military style of parenting "If you want to cry, I'll give you something to cry about".  I didn't realise until yesterday how much I let that rule my life.  I wasn't really allowed to talk about how I felt. None of us were.  Mom would break down crying in front of me every once in a while, and I had no clue how to deal with it.

They did the best they could with what they had to work with, and I know their own upbringings defined their parenting styles.  Like I said, I was loved and felt loved.  I had a brother and two sisters who were raised the same way that I was. We shared similar experiences, and as a result, have the same values.  We love our families, we don't abuse alcohol or drugs, we have good jobs and oh so fun mortgages, our personal finances bounce up and down, but we're each reasonably secure, none of us are in jail.  (Yes, alright, I'll admit it.  I have been arrested.  It was many years ago and my parents know about it).

So yeah.  It was an epiphany, and one I'm really grateful to have had.  One that I look up and say "God.  THANK YOU.  You took me to the bottom to show me this, and now...now I get it.  But if I can ask one small favour.  Please don't do this to me again."