The Crying Game

My days seem to be emotionally cyclical in nature.  It's nice knowing what to expect, but damn, it's exhausting.



You're Bipolar? So am I! I don't have to
wear a polite mask and  monitor my comments! 
You're just like me! Nice bow-tie by the way."



I am woken up around 6:00 and wake up in stages.  I can usually get out of bed by 6:45 and head to the shower.  After that is breakfast and meds.  I am pretty groggy until about 9:30, then I proceed to have really excellent days in therapy.  By that I mean, the people in group are really terrific, and we're all really supportive of each other.  Most of us are Bipolar, so our hypomanic personalities are very similar - and I cannot TELL you how much pressure that alleviates.There's one person there who makes sarcastic snarky-not-mean comments the same as I do, and we both freely admit to using inappropriate humour to deal with stressful situations.  It's nice because I don't feel the need to apologize for saying something light-hearted or making a bad pun.  Around 2:00 I usually struggle with staying in a positive mood.  I try, really I do, but during that second therapy session, if someone shares a pain that I've experienced myself, I start tearing up out of sheer empathy and sometimes times it's overwhelming - especially when it hits really close to home.  If that happens, my hypomania mood slips right down to depression, and I have to either get control of myself by meditating or distracting myself by drawing.  If those don't work, that manic depression hits, and boy did it ever hit today.  I really should start bringing my meds with me...



Thank you Jim Parsons for being so awesome.



Anyhow, the group therapist held me in class after everyone had left and let me get everything out.  You know how sometimes when you try to talk and cry at the same time and it sounds like you're hiccoughing and hyperventilating at the same time?  Yeah, it was one of those.  But I burbled my way through it with lots of tissues and tears and yes, it was cathartic.  That was about 4 hours ago and I feel ready to be in a good mood again.  Big Bang Theory is on in 30.  That'll do the trick.  Jim Parsons has really gotten me through some rough spots these past few months.

Oh shoot, did I forget to say?  I'm presenting with two disorders - Bipolar and Anxiety/Panic disorder.  Seriously, if it weren't for Chris bringing me to the hospital each day, I would not be able to do it on my own. 

My tentative plan is to return to work in about 4 weeks.  I should be discharged from the hospital sometime next week I think, but I haven't had confirmation.  After that, I should be receiving out-patient therapy a few times a week, unless they want to keep me in the partial-program a little longer.  Part of my return to work plan will involve requesting reasonable accomodations, but I need to discuss those with the therapist first. 

Even the thought of returning to work and being in the office 5 days a week...I can feel the anxiety squeezing my heart and lungs.  Ideally, I'd like to report to a different manager in the same department, return to the technical/systems support role I was doing from home (or to another support role that does not require my presence in the office everyday), and work from home 3 days each week, and work in the office 2 days.  But, we'll see what the therapist recommends when he releases me back to work.

I don't know what to expect at that point.  I'm the type of person who needs to have a plan and achievable goals. I need to know when things will happen, in what order, who is involved and what my options are.  If I don't know these things, I become tense and angry.  And I don't even like me when I'm like that!