The Boys Are Away...

...so instead of spending time stomping Orcs in Azeroth, I'm designing a blog.  It occurred to me that I would do myself a great service by cataloguing my journey from Hellness to Wellness. 

I've never been good at talking about how I feel about things, situations, circumstances, what have you.  But I've always enjoyed writing and journaling.  I have no idea if I have a talent for it, but I find it cathartic. 

Talking involves being in front of people and answering questions I don't know how to respond to, and having to think about things and while I'm thinking about them, the subject is changed and suddenly I'm the one listening and asking questions and saying comforting things and I feel myself putting on my "everything's fine with me" mask and hiding behind it.  (which is the avatar I use for this blog.  I thought it was whimsical).

It took me a long time to figure out it wasn't that people weren't interested in hearing about my challenges raising a special needs child and balancing a full time job.  They were more interested in seeking me out to discuss their own issues and problems. I guess because (on the surface) I looked like a confident, strong, I can take on all challenges kind of person.  And that's exactly what I wanted everyone to think because that's the mask I wore for so long.  If I didn't appear to be in a fabulous, fan-freaking-tastic mood everyday, people would ask what was wrong with me.  That was the precedent I set for myself.  Appear to be a high-energy, capable problem-solver and that's what I was.  It was all I was. 

I couldn't not be that way because then I'd have to think about things. About how was it possible to get an amazing annual review and still not get promoted.  About needing to take time from work to go to the dentist.  About how stressful my home-life had become after the tornado and how Ethan was having such a difficult time adjusting to the change in his normally very structured environment.  About how devalued I felt at work when I was taken off a project that I loved and my work schedule changed because I was needed elsewhere.  About how much of a struggle it was just to have the will to leave the house each morning. And needing to find time to have this cough checked and God my ear hurts - what's that all about?  More time off work to see a doctor to discover that I have bronchitis and an ear infection.  Then Ethan's teacher calls, he's having a really hard time adjusting back to the classroom and she thinks he needs to come home for the afternoon to settle down.  More time from work...

And then one day, in the middle of a meeting at work two weeks ago, I broke.  Shattered.  Everything hit me all at once and I just sat at my desk, shaking, crying, desperate. Thank goodness it was a webex meeting and I took it at my desk so I didn't have to explain to my boss that I was having a crisis.  God, that sounds so dramatic.  But in all honesty, I didn't really stop crying until about 3 days ago.

So long story short, I requested medical leave and am now in group therapy seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist 5 days a week.  I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and have been given medications which are helping.  The group therapy is what is helping the most though. I was so scared, nervous and anxious to go.  Damn Hollywood - I was half expecting a room full of Rain Men running around in open hospital robes and people talking to plastic plants.

It was actually a very lovely experience and...well, healing I guess.  It was the best thing I could have done for myself.  And my family.

Anyhow.  I'm not exactly planning to advertise my blog.  Maybe friends and family to start with, when I'm ready.  But it's findable in the Google Directory, I'm sure.  And if you're someone reading this and what I described above sounds familiar to you.  It's okay.  You are not alone.