Never Make Someont Your Priotity, if they treat you like their Option

I think that title says it all. I deserveore than to be treated like an option. We all deserve better than that.

Never Make Someone Your Priority, While They Make You Their Option

I've been doing well these past few months.  Lots of therapy and soul searching.  Lots of realisations, acceptance and finally moving on.  FINALLY moving on.  Looking back, don't know what held me in place for so long.  It was that one tenuous string that I was afraid to snip, but I took care of that and now feel free to explore a new life and begin again.

It's weird being forced to be in the family, but not part of the family. My presence is tolerated and accepted, but never welcomed.  For example, this past Christmas.  The wreath I made for my in-laws wasn't placed on its usual spot on the front door.  Inside the house, my stocking was conspicuously absent.  It's like I was cut out completely, and I wasn't expecting that.  Another example:  I had wanted to see Memaw and Granddaddy one last time (they're likely to pass soon), and wanted to go to Virginia over Thanksgiving with Chris.  I allowed him to talk me out of it, he instead offered to stay in Raleigh and have Thanksgiving at home with Ethan and I, since it would be our last one together.  His reason for not wanting to take Ethan to Virginia was that he was afraid Ethan would "act out" and be difficult to control. Not exactly a solid explanation, as Ethan is perfectly content to play with the ever-present Lincoln Logs or an iPhone for hours on end.  So that was the plan until about 3 days before the holiday, when Chris suddenly decided he needed to go to Virginia afterall, and since it was only going to be a day trip, Ethan and I were not included.  My intuition kicked up at this - there was something going on I didn't know about.

Flash forward to Saturday, I had a nice chat with Betsy as I went to pick up Ethan, and we were talking about families in general, and I asked if she had had the pleasure of meeting Aunt Susan.  Yes...over Thanksgiving. 

Mind you, it doesn't bother me at all that she went.  I think it's a good idea she get a snapshot of what her future holds if she stays with Chris as quickly as possible.  What made me upset was being robbed of the chance to see Granddaddy and Memaw again.  Not just me, but Ethan as well.  As lies go, that was a big one.  I love his grandparents too, and his decision prevented us from ever seeing them before they pass on.  I'm the evil ex-wife now. 

It's things like that which put cracks in our marriage.  Chris is a good person, he just doesn't see how his actions affect other people, or consider the consequences of decisions he makes. Nor does he think his little white lies will come to any harm.

Last month, Patricia really let me have it - all of her anger, frustration, and hatred towards me spewed out in one horrific verbal barrage of accusation, judgement and disgust towards me.  She even swore in front of Ethan.  I tried to defend myself, but it didn't matter.  She needed to get it out, so I let her.  I burst into tears on the way home.  The next day I spoke with Chris and told him what had happened and asked him to speak with his mother about boundaries.  This isn't her marriage, it's ours.  This isn't her divorce, it's ours.  She needs to stay out of it and let us handle it. He said he spoke with her, but I know that conversation never took place.  Conversations like that never took place where his Mother was concerned.  Another crack in the marriage.

A few days ago, he asked me to stop by his restaurant to pick up his phone to let Ethan have it until he came home.  Of course I looked at the messages, I was curious.(I know, privacy and all, but to be honest...the messages were so sweet. Remonded me of when Chrid and I first met. I hope their happiness lasts longer than ours did).   There were so many messages back and forth between he and Betsy, and so many of them held little white lies - Ethan's school bus breaking down and him having to go to Wake Forest to pick him up for example.  In his message to Betsy, he told her he picked Ethan up, which isn't the truth.  Chris didn't make that trip - I did, and Ethan doesn't go to school in Wake Forest.  He told her I was an hour late getting home and couldn't pick her up.  Ethan and I got home at 5:30 that day.  Chris ended up staying for a while and we chatted.

And then there are the Wednesday nights that he invites Betsy over, presumably after Ethan goes to sleep.  I have a problem accepting that behaviour.  One night each week Chris has Ethan, and he ends up splitting his time between his son and his girlfriend.  It just doesn't sit right with me.  I could very easily do the same thing, but I specifically choose not to, because I am first and foremost a mother.  I would never invite someone into my home after my son falls asleep.  If he wants to spend time with Betsy and Ethan, he should make time to do things with them BOTH on Wednesday nights.  He has four other nights during the week that he can make plans to spend with Betsy on his own.  Why choose the only night he has his son overnight?

Lately, the weekends seem to go the same way.  Instead of spending time with Ethan, he's at his pirate practice, telling me "there will be other people there" and they can help to watch Ethan.  But it's not their responsibility to watch him.  It's Chris' responsibility.  Not to "watch" him, but to actually spend time with him.  It's not enough to just have Ethan there.  First off, it's dangerous.  Ethan sees the swords flashing, and he wants to play, too.  Secondly, it's not fair to either Ethan or Chris if Chris is dividing his attention between the two.

It worked out this week - Betsy was available and she took care of Ethan while practice went on, and I'm grateful for that.  Glad for it.  She seemed very happy and willing to care for Ethan while Chris practiced, but I'm sure in the future she's going to have other things to do and Chris won't be able to rely on her to take care of Ethan during practice. 

This another behaviour that started to crack the marriage apart.  He puts his work and hobbies ahead of his family. He has a great work instinct, I know, but he doesn't know how to balance his professional life with his personal life, and I fear that it's going to affect his relationship with Ethan.  Or rather, Ethan's relationship with him.

I know the pirate festivals (sometimes) pay money, and they are a great deal of fun, and I need the money he earns for child support and alimony, but looking over the upcoming summer season...he's going to be out of town for at least 3 weekends each month beginning in April and ending in November.  In 2011, Chris was gone every weekend from mid-August through the second week of November.  Ethan only spent time with Chris after school for about an hour or so until I went to pick him up.  There were so many nights Ethan asked where Daddy was, and all I could say was "Daddy is working" or "Daddy is at his home".  Ethan's a smart kid, and in his mind there are three worlds "Mommy and Ethan's Home", "School" and "Playtime at Grandma's House with Daddy".

There are so many things about this that make me sad.  Chris doesn't spend enough time with Ethan when he has him.  Chris is starting to feed Betsy the little white lies he fed to me.  I hope she can either fix him, or figure him out before it's too late.  He deserves happiness, but others deserve the truth.

God calls us first to confront our own feelings openly and honestly....

While God desires that we recognize our anger and bitterness toward others, harboring those feelings and refusing to work toward the restoration of broken relationships is contrary to His will. We need to prayerfully confront and confess inner feelings of anger, and then surrender them to the loving healing of our heavenly Father.

Something I wish I had kept in mind these past 6 tumultuous months. It's been a struggle for me to find peace with what happened over the summer, but I'm gaining perspective and releasing my anger. It serves me no purpose. Chris and I have actually been getting on these past few weeks. I still catch him out in lies and half-truths, but that's to be expected. He went to court twice in the last month - once for a speeding ticket, and the other for larceny. Of all things! I thought he learned his lesson when he had the incident with Best Buy while I was in hospital recovering from an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know the real truth behind this incident, but it does not involve me. I just let him know that I was not going to judge him. We all make bad decisions and stupid mistakes. I am the last person to judge him for that.

The point of this entry is to help me seek guidance and forgiveness towards Patricia. I understand the "Mother Bear" instinct more than the average person. Chris does, too. We have spent the last 7 years advocating for Ethan, making sure he got the early intervention he needed, occupational therapy, developmental therapy, we made sure his daycare providers understood his needs and educated them. We went to endless IEP meetings, setting goals for him, watching as he met and exceeded each one. We focused everything on him. We never went on vacation, or had weekends away. We never took time to nurture our marriage, and the results have been devastating for our little family. Believe me, I know that instinct to protect and defend very, very well.

Two days ago I went to pick up Ethan from my in-laws and literally walked into an ambush. I know Patricia has been dealing with a tremendous amount of stress these past few months, but the verbal dressing down she gave me was horrific. I understand the need she felt to stand up for her son, and I mostly stood there and let her get it all out. Listening as she repeated words back to me of conversations I had had with Chris, telling me off for calling him a "dumb fuck" in an email, hissing at me "Don't you dare deny it, I read that email." I don't deny that I did. I don't remember when I did, but doubtless it was during a time when I was still sorting through my emotions. She went in to tell me that Chris and I were separated when he started seeing Betsy, which is completely untrue. They started a relationship before he moved out. When he did move out, we agreed it was a trial. That we would go to marriage counselling and individual counselling and we would learn to communicate and reconnect. The whole time, Chris was lying to me, and seeing Betsy behind my back. The laws in this state are very clear. If sexual misconduct takes place when the married couple are living apart, but intend to reconcile, it is labelled adultery. But, as the saying goes: Marry Up, Cheat Down. At the time the affair(s) began, Chris and I were still living together, then he moved out, but we were both committed to working on our problems and reconciling. At least, that is what we agreed to. I had no idea there was anyone else in the picture until I got the cell phone bill showing over 1000 texts between the two of them, starting before he moved out and continuing through our trial separation.

So yes, it was adultery, and yes, it is illegal. She knew we were trying to fix our marriage. She sat at the table with us when I found out about Betsy and she saw for herself what that discovery did to me. I was completely shattered. Her words? "Marriages break up everyday, but I'm not going to take sides." She already knew about Betsy and actually condoned it. True, I asked for the divorce - had asked for one several times - but guess what? I went undiagnosed with bi-polar disorder for three years. I would think she of all people would know that you don't give up on a marriage when your spouse desperately needs help, no matter what they say or do. I was at the mercy of my illness - it was a living hell. He left while I was still being treated - adjusting to new medications, attending group and individual therapy, seeing a psychiatrist to adjust my meds. I guess 'in sickness and in health' doesn't apply to Chris. Patricia knew I had no idea about Betsy. I guess I don't understand how she can't see that her son has a serious problem with telling the truth. Lying, deceit and duplicitousness are learned behaviours.

Regardless, there were two things that really threw me into sn emotionsl tailspin over this incident. One; she did it in front of Ethan. Two; she got involved in the first place. This isn't her marriage. This isn't her separation or divorce. It's business between Chris and I. If she is there to support him, I'm glad, but she had no business getting involved.

It wasn't very Christian of her to attack me like that. And I don't know what to expect from her the next time I see her. I asked Chris if he would speak to her. He agrees with me, she shouldn't get herself involved, but whether or not he actually stood up to her, I'll never know, but I have complete faith that he did nothing about it. It's not very Christian of me to be writing about this, but I don't know who reads this thing, so I don't really care.

So that's that.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I absolutely do not understand this at all. Chris asked if I knew anyone who had a tent he could borrow for the Ren Faire. I delivered. So off he goes, telling me he's going by himself and then calls me later saying the tent is set up and he's turning in. Except it was all a big lie. He went down with Betsy and they're staying in a hotel. A few public FaceBook posts combined with some texts and phone calls to me and he hung himself with his own rope.

I could care less what he does as long as Ethan isn't involved. But why lie? Why does he still do the grocery shopping for the house a few times each month? Why does he take out the trash and move it to the curb on Trash day? Why does he help with laundry and dishes while he's waiting for Ethan to get off the bus? Why does his FaceBook profile still say we're married? Why don't we have a separation agreement? Why won't he sign a Voluntary Support Agreement so I can file it with the court to ensure Ethan gets child support? Why does he still act like a husband?

My instinct tells me he's afraid to make anything permanent. He has refused to sign the VSA, and that scares me. I have nothing but his word to pay me $250 each week, which hasn't happened in over a month. We've agreed to $450 twice each month, so why won't he sign it and let me file it with the court? I've asked for a Quit Claim Deed, which he won't consider either. Why doesn't he want anything on record in the court system? If he's afraid of making this permanent, then why is he keeping Betsy on the side? He can't have it both ways.

The truth is, I don't want him in my life. At all. We've already agreed that I would have primary custody and he would have visitation, which only makes sense. Ethan has his own room here, he goes to school in this district, his track-out program is on my way to work. I have a steady job, benefits and a set schedule. Sure, my life had changed, but I'm a better person for it. Ethan and I have a routine at home that works for us. My house is clean. I do laundry on the weekends and shop for groceries on Tuesday nights. I make Ethan's lunch for school every night. He plays the Wii for 30 minutes, goes upstairs to use the potty and brush teeth, then it's tine for pajammy's. He plays in his room for about an hour which gives me enough time to get some laundry done, and then it's snuggle time until about 9:00, and he's asleep by 9:30. It's the routine and structure he is used to and needs at home. I'm not sure if he's getting that with Chris. Once a week and every-other weekend (which has not happened since September). I'm glad he's working, but I'm not so pleased that he pawns Ethan off to his parents if he is supposed to watch Ethan but runs off to work instead. After school for 30 minutes or so, I understand and completely support and am very grateful his Mom or Dad are able to watch Ethan until I pick him up after work. But I have a real problem if it's going to be several hours, or if his parents are responsible for putting Ethan to bed. They are going through a tremendous amount of stress dealing with Grandaddy and Memaw's health. I respect them for offering to watch Ethan, but I can't respect Chris for always taking them up on their offers when he KNOWS what they are going through. Chris needs to man-up and do things for himself. Get a job that pays well and consistently so he can afford the $1000 of child support and alimony Ethan and I are due each month. He has a brain in his head, but The unfamiliar holds him back. He's unwilling to try new things, even if it's to provide for his family. It's ironic that after being with him and married for 8 years, he is exactly in the same position as when I found him. Broke, jobless and moving in with his parents. Nothing but a charming smile, outrageous (if completely untrue) stories, and lots of pretty words. He lied to me the day I met him - pretending to be British for God's sake. If he had confessed to doing it to pick me up, it would have been a sweet story. But he kept up the charade for months. I told my Mom about this handsome, charming Brit, and he let me. Even spoke to her on the phone with his "accent". It wasn't until a fee months later when I was having lunch with his parents that I learned about the deception. He kept it up for MONTHS. And I fell for it. Just like everyone falls for his false promises and sweet words.

He ran from his first marriage, forcing his wife to file abandonment charges against him. He ran from this marriage right when I needed him most, and had two affairs before taking off. Both affairs - in less than a week in each case - did he claim to love the girl dnd want to be with them forever. Alicia was lucky, she got out. (well, Chris and I decided to reconcile and he broke things off). Two days later, along comes Betsy, and within a week he's telling her that he loves her. It seems to be a pattern. FInd a girl, feed her all the words she wants to hear, then sponge off her until it's time to leave. The going gets rough, and Chris gets going. The only difference this time is he's forced to stick around for the dissolution of this marriage because we have a child together. Honestly, if Ethan didn't love his Dad so much, I'd due for full custody and leave him with visitation at my discretion. I don't want Ethan to learn how to lie. I want him to learn to take responsibility for his actions and be confident enough to know that he doesn't have to make up stories to get people to like him.

Excuse Me, but I am looking for a man with 6 fingers.

It's the 25th anniversary of "The Princess Bride", a movie that taught us that all of our problems could be solved with a wheelbarrow and a Holocaust Cloak.

Let's hope Hollywood doesn't crap on this movie, too.

You hear me Hollywood? There was no need to remake Footloose. Quit messing with my childhood memories.

Between Forgiveness and Hate there is Therapy. Lots of Therapy.

It took me about a month of therapy to realize why I hate Betsy so much and why I don’t want her anywhere near Ethan.

I can forgive Chris for his mistakes. I really can. We have an eight year history, and I know how rocky it’s been these past few years.  Mental illness aside, I understand why he reached out to others when he needed that emotional connection with someone, and I can forgive him for that.  I was literally incapable of bonding with him.  I can forgive him for reaching out to other women.  They gave him the friendship and support he needed and all had the graciousness to back down when they realized there was a child involved. 

All except Betsy. 

Instead of doing the right thing, she took advantage of his emotional weakness and selfishly inserted herself into his life.  I can forgive the break-up of the marriage.  What I can't, and probably never will be able to forgive, is how she forever altered Ethan’s world without a second thought. 

I will never understand how a human being could hurt an innocent child like that, and then claim to care for him. It feels like a form of child abuse.  If she cared for him, she would have walked away and let our marriage sink or swim on its own.  It would have sank, but that would have been our choice.  We would have been able to come to that realization on our own, and the consequences would have been handled far differently.  I'm not going to assume to know anything of Betsy's upbringing, but I'm led to understand that only children are prone to getting their own way. Want. Take. Have.  And that's just what she did.

I don’t want her near Ethan because I blame her for breaking Ethan’s world apart.  She took that decision out of our hands and made it her own.

I don't particularly care about the role she played in the breakup of my marriage.  Been there, done that.  Got the t-shirt.  Whatever.  What I am feeling is a seething rage at the mere thought of her being anywhere near my son.  And I am nowhere near ready to deal with that anger.

Logical Questions

Last week, there were four major incidents that made it undeniable to me that my husband's girlfriend just isn’t going away. We have avoided talking about her because I am so angry about the affair we can’t get anywhere. I have worked so hard to figure out what is my business and what isn’t.

My son is my business if my selfish husband decided it would be a good idea to introduce the two if them after having known each other less than a month. Maybe selfish isn't the word. Thoughtless seems more accurate. But the details of how serious they are, how much time they spend together, or anything else that pertains to their relationship doesn’t actually impact me. And, I haven’t really wanted to know any of it.

But I have questions I just can’t make logical answers for.  I totally understand how and why my husband reached the conclusion that we should no longer be married. I am also of the opinion that it takes two to make or break a marriage. I sought out the help I needed. He did not. I learned how to reconnect with the world around me and become a part of it again. He continues to Peter Pan his way through life.

I have tried over and over to tell myself that I don’t need to know, that I may never understand. And I just haven’t been able to get past it. I was packing up photos of us, cards we gave to each other for anniversaries, birthdays, I wasn’t upset. I’ve loaded those memories of us into a box so that when he’s old enough, Ethan can see how much his parents loved each other. I was fine looking at all that stuff.

It’s the damn girlfriend. And she doesn’t seem to be going away. He loves her. Which means that unless my husband and his entire family have been lying to me, at some point he is going to be around her. I don't think it's a good idea for Ethan to be introduced to anyone until after Chris and I are divorced. (whoops, you dropped the ball on that one, Chris). And that either opens up a bottomless well of grief in me or makes me homicidal. This woman who had so little respect for my marriage. This woman who disparagingly referred to my husband being with our son as “daddy duty.” This woman who had known Chris was married and pursued him anyway. How can I make peace with her ever being around my child?


When I can’t sleep at night, it’s not because I’m running memories of our first eight years together through my head. I am revisiting last spring. I don’t want to live there any more. The ridiculous thing is that if we had stayed together, I would have forgiven the affair already. The day I found out about it, (after I kicked him and threw a drink in his face), and realized that EVERYONE knew, not only did they know but condoned it...it was mortifying. I remember bawling to my mother-in-law whose sage wisdom and calming presence had pulled me through so many impossible times, telling her that I couldn't understand why this was happening when we were trying to reconcile. Her response was "Marriages break up everyday." I remember feeling a part of me die right there on the spot. I was expecting her to talk to Chris, make him see how foolish he was being, that he was committing not only a crime against God, but against the law, too. I expected her to remind him of her own marriage to Shannon, and the PTSD he went through that nearly destroyed their family several times over when he was growing up. That the affair was a symptom of a bigger problem and we needed to work on fixing it.

But the affair is actually a relationship, an ongoing seemingly healthy happy partnership by all reports. Is it that they have found something that he and I worked so hard for? Is it that he’s with someone and I’m alone? Is it that he trashed my respect and trust for him in order to be with this woman? I don’t know. But I have to find some way of accepting it and letting it go–whether they’re together another ten days or another ten years. I don’t want to give this woman any more of my energy. And I don’t know how to stop.

How have you dealt with people who have hurt or wronged you? How do you deal with them being around your child?